I just got of the phone with my father, he’s been wondering how I am doing. He’s been riding my ass the last couple days, telling me to get on a job, get on top of some issues ect…
He started off again about my schooling, asking questions I didn’t want to answer, questions I didn’t have answers for. He asked my why I wasn’t going back to school in the fall, why I could not just take another loan and get back to it. He knows I don’t want to give up on school, as most do, I am not done yet.
Though my dad has never been happy with the fact that I took Professional writing. He’s been pushing me to do something in the trades for several years now, and all along throgh out last year, he was bothering me to get a back up plan.
Not a bad Idea except I feel moved to write, its what makes sense to me, what makes sense to go to school for. Its how I feel my life is meant to be. Either way, one day Ill be finishing that professional writing course and that will be that.
None the less though, his questioning stirred in me an uncomfortableness. I don’t know much of anything right now. I feel pretty helpless. I have no Idea where schooling really stands, and am quite afraid to find out. Furthermore, I could have suceeded at writing if I just did the damn work! If only I NEVER got involved with Laurie, should have stayed sober and stayed on the right track. I should have stayed in church, praying in faith as I was, seemed everything was working out. Then I let it all slip.
Right now I have very little motivation to do anything. I have let my failures and incompetance suck the remaining life out of me. I am a dammed fool.
Let me recheck my idiot list. One, I enrolled in school and slacked off even though I was totally capable of the work I had to do. I essentially slacked off and failed at what was a God given goal. During this time, I decide to date a girl I never really liked, all the while the girl I really truly liked, for years prior, was sitting in church with no idea. Check two : So I finally tell said girl how I feel for her, but in my inpatient’s end up back with Laurie. Long story short, it created a shit load of drama at school, thus all that shit on top of poor marks made me avoid school for the last few weeks, hence why I never showed up to the exams – and failed.
I gave up on my dreams. TWO OF THEM. Right there. Two huge pieces of what I was hoping for, crumbled before me by my own damn hands. I was weak. Pathetically weak.
I was low, so low after all that. Miserable and I guess I still am. Perhaps even more so, worse now. Because I’ve become okay with it. Just figuring its all going to work out somehow someday, but for right now, just don’t think about it, it hurts to much, just sweep it under the rug and hope it all goes away. Maybe one day there will come a morning with a nice man handing out dreams again.
How do I explain to my dad that I failed my dream? I have not even done that yet! I lied to him and to my mom! I sugar coated everything. Even now they don’t know the full truth. How do I explain I had the means to succeed at my dream and I didn’t because of foolishness? How do I tell him I learned my lesson and would like a second chance? A second chance to be a writer! Ill tell my dad that I want a second chance at something he doesn’t want me doing? Tell everyone that Ill try again at something I so obviously failed at, leaving them wondering if I am meant to be a writer, leaving them asking me if its what I am meant to do… and once, I was sure, positive beyond a doubt… and now… I wonder and fill with doubt.
How will I ever get a second chance? Even if I do will I make money at it? Why does everything have to be about money? Having something to show for your time! We have to have proof we worked hard. I do not have that. I have proof I tried really hard… but then got lazy.
I feel so small right now. With the amount of debt I have I feel overwhelmed. EVERYTHING IN LIFE GEARS YOU TOWARDS MONEY! This pressure has me thinking I just need to work, get some job, any job, save some cash up somehow and get a little ahead, then maybe look at going back to school. That was the general idea. Until I have a steady income, there is not much point in thinking about much else, or so the money has me convinced.
I need a new vision, I need it pieces by piece. I need to see the first step clearly, and have a rough sketch of what the end should be like. Maybe then I’d feel better. Right now I have nothing. Not even a vision. I need something to work towards.
I know I want to be a writer, somehow I have to be a writer. I need money to get there, I need money right now to live. I need money. I need to look after my son, I need to be there for him, I must be a father. I need to give enough of a shit to try. Yes I failed. I failed horribly, but I must not let that make me give up.
I need new influences. I don’t know if I want them to even be Christian anymore. I just need to be around new people. I am tired of being stoned all the time, tired of partying. Tired of lying to everyone like I give a shit. Ill tell you the truth. I don’t fucking care. I don’t care right now if you want to be my friend or not. I am tired of everyone. They are all there in place, as resources, convenient, for a dark purpose. Once that purpose is filled they are useless. I shouldn’t write stuff like that eh? But yet its just the truth of this moment, of who I am right now.
And what of love? A thing to even consider in such a frame of mind? Do I just think of the last cute girl I had a thing with and run after her? Do I hold off for some Christian in some church somewhere out there? Do I simply keep my eyes open and mingle aimless about as I have done in the past? Or do I go out there and search for it? Do I look? Do I dare make something happen? Guess that is irrelevant. Funny how the things we really need, really want, become overshadowed with the demands that are essential to day to day life. Bread and water. How can I get a date if I don’t have bread and water to even eat? heh heh hah hah. It kills me.
I’ve been so depressed for so long now, and if I do not do something soon it will only get worse. Thankfully, I had a feeling… and sure enough, something had to give. I knew sooner or later there would be a leg up. (Call it the last of my faith being use up.) Turns out my dad paid off more than 800 dollars towards my mortgage and also will be sending me 200 dollars to get back on my feet. Ill have to get a bus pass and some food. Also make a note – ink – for printer. Lets hope I don’t turn into a fiend and misuse it.
Hm, my mind seems to be running a little more clearly.
System successfully re-stored.
Prepare to restart.