It started with school getting stressful. Immediately destroyed a two month sober, October 14 2008. Low self esteem begins to set back in. It’s not long till I’ve forgotten the faith that brought me that far. Stress worsens, drugs increase. Begin to wear the mask. Smile. Pretend; to have friends. Get a girl friend – what a waste of time – futile – knowing that all along only added to the pain in the end. The pain of failure, of failing school. My dream. I let myself down.
Jobless and growing colder I’m miserable. Things lighten for a moment, and I seem to be making it. Then friend over doses on drugs one night, the next day a good friend turns himself in for nearly killing another man.
Still, try to fight back, go to church to find the girl I love is supposedly engaged, i’ve pushed away all my friends – Friends from college are wary of me.
I have made myself alone, locked up inside with all of this. Failure, regret, guilt and shame – weakness – resulting in a lack of self love, thus, I care about nothing. Or at least… very little.
Lost another job
Totally shut off.
No… None of this wont do anymore. All these things… added to a past that I’ve not let die: I am breaking down again. My mentality is shot. I don’t have the skills to go on. I have given up.
But, I want to go further, and so… I shall.
I have come up with a plan, to get back into my best health, to at last coquer my past, my demons and all my failures. These have been but small stepping stones to something – to someone much greater. I will be someone someday.
I Will be leaving to athabasca tomorrow, for how long for sure? I don’t really know. I know I want at least a few weeks out of the city. After that, see where I stand.
I hope to sober up once and for all. this is it. No turning back. Detox in the hardest manner. Straight up, disconnecteced from everything – everyone.
Then, counselling, again. I hope I wont have to do something as extreme as rehab or something, but if it seems like thats what it will take, I am going to do it.
I’ve finally been that broken.
I’ve proven this last while, for what ever reason, MY life, I cannot live on my own. I need much, much, much…. more.
what ever “sickness” is in me, its time for it to leave once and for all. It’s time to seek that healing that only God can bring.
This is going to be tough, no doubt – but it needs to be done, before I destroy myself.
I need to rebuild myself – save my family and finally move out into the world, and change peoples lives. Nothing is going to stop me. No amount of darkness. No ammount of pain and suffering – no amount of failure – will ever keep me down.
This is it – this is totally coming clean with everything – exposing all the ugly for what it is – and hoping to God, that it will be dealt with this time. At last I am beginning to truly see the depths of what God is planning for me, and after this final bit – this last purging of the past – I will emerge as the man I am meant to be.