To go further

It started with school getting stressful. Immediately destroyed a two month sober, October 14 2008. Low self esteem begins to set back in. It’s not long till I’ve forgotten the faith that brought me that far.  Stress worsens, drugs increase. Begin to wear the mask. Smile. Pretend; to have friends. Get a girl friend – what a waste of time – futile – knowing that all along only added to the pain in the end. The pain of failure, of failing school. My dream. I let myself down.

Jobless and growing colder I’m miserable. Things lighten for a moment, and I seem to be making it. Then  friend over doses on drugs one night, the next day a good friend turns himself in for nearly killing another man.

Still, try to fight back, go to church to find the girl I love is supposedly engaged, i’ve pushed away all my friends – Friends from college are wary of me.

I have made myself alone, locked up inside with all of this. Failure, regret, guilt and shame – weakness – resulting in a lack of self love, thus, I care about nothing. Or at least… very little.

Lost another job

more drugs.

Totally shut off.

No… None of this wont do anymore. All these things… added to a past that I’ve not let die: I am breaking down again. My mentality is shot. I don’t have the skills to go on. I have given up.

But, I want to go further, and so… I shall.

I have come up with a plan, to get back into my best health, to at last coquer my past, my demons and all my failures. These have been but small stepping stones to something  – to someone much greater. I will be someone someday.

I Will be leaving to athabasca tomorrow, for how long for sure? I don’t really know. I know I want at least a few weeks out of the city. After that, see where I stand.

I hope to sober up once and for all. this is it. No turning back. Detox in the hardest manner. Straight up, disconnecteced from everything – everyone.

Then, counselling, again. I hope I wont have to do something as extreme as rehab or something, but if it seems like thats what it will take, I am going to do it.

I’ve finally been that broken.

I’ve proven this last while, for what ever reason, MY life, I cannot live on my own. I need much, much, much…. more.

what ever “sickness” is in me, its time for it to leave once and for all. It’s time to seek that healing that only God can bring.

This is going to be tough, no doubt – but it needs to be done, before I destroy myself.

I need to rebuild myself – save my family and finally move out into the world, and change peoples lives. Nothing is going to stop me. No amount of darkness. No ammount of pain and suffering – no amount of failure – will ever keep me down.

This is it – this is totally coming clean with everything – exposing all the ugly for what it is – and hoping to God, that it will be dealt with this time. At last I am beginning to truly see the depths of what God is planning for me, and after this final bit – this last purging of the past – I will emerge as the man I am meant to be.

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No Need

It’s to late to turn back now

there’s no need to panic, just sit there calmly

think of all the shit

that’s been going down recently;

Decided that had to be it.

There’s no need for any more of this-

Have to understand,

if I can’t out think you, I’ll make a fist.

This time I’m pissed.

Yet, you wont see a frown on my face,

Cause I just wont let them get to me;

Simply can’t break down and snap

society says

“we can’t tolerate that crap”

That’s why I’m sitting here,

smiling a smile from ear to ear.

I don’t have to do anything…

I don’t have to do anything…

I don’t have to do anything…

I don’t wanna do…

There’s no need for this.

Revelations

Perhaps the most significant sign

of ignorance

is the under estimation of an individual.

especially if that individual is yourself.

To under estimate oneself is a degree of ignorance;

a severe hindrance, unlike any other.

And though that may be the case,

I think,

this exists in us all

and yet some how life goes on

and we learn and grow,

begin to see the balance

and the ways in which we are unbalanced.

Then realize time there after,

is spent trying to mediate and shift the balance,

in our hearts and minds;

Always hoping to some how come out ahead,

having gained instead of lost –

To have profited from time invested:

and have proven thyself –

To have known the opponent, friend or foe,

to be of worthy company,

and therefor; the two of us, me and/or you;

or another – can come through such experiences,

better off than when we started.

I need to write.

The build up and break down. Here it is, try to keep up. I am sitting here, buzzed, on booze and weed. I am obsessing over the things the last little while. Good thing. GREAT things. YET. I am not happy at this exact moment. I am miserable. I mean. Wait. Let me think. No, I am pretty damn happy, I am just unhappy about my inability to stop thinking.

I think to much sober, and when I’m stoned and/or drunk – my mind unreels. Like a mad man, and all of a sudden, my obsessive compulsiveness becomes so apparent. It sickens me. Why can I not just stop over thinking things? I mean I have SO MUCH GOOD, going on… Yet, I pick it apart, and zoom in on it sooo much, I lose sight of everything – and am suddenly unappy. DAMMIT!

And you know what? This is how I ALWAYS go down. This is why I scare away friends – this is why I falter at EVERYTHING I do. I can’t just let it be.

(Naturally I am using some subtext here.)

In any event – I need to slow down.

Everything I am doing, I try to get it done so quick. I mean, I have no patients. I can’t fucking believe it. I go NUTS, APE SHIT NUTS! just waiting for the bus to get home!!!! AHHHHH then I feel like I have to get stoned just to unwind and put the day behind me! Whats worse if I don’t smoke up or drink, I WONT SLEEP! My mind wont turn off.

I was an insomniac once before, I have the medical papers to prove it. Twice over.

I just… need to let go… let it be… and then… maybe… people would come closer – if only I was not so excited! I mean, I don’t play games!

I really don’t have time for games. I am just STRAIGHT out there, fucking downright brutal if I fucking need to be. In love- in romance, hell, if I like someone, I get so exited, (when I GENUINELY like someone) I just lose my head! I mean, … like… Well yeah, im one of them guys who calls all the time and fucking takes the stupidest little things to heart. The worst part is… I NOW THIS ABOUT MYSELF, and can’t seem to help it.

Slow down. Slow down.

They tell me that at work all the time, and now That I have CUT BACK on WEED, and no loger smoke before work – my sober mind – my reeling mind- puts me into over drive. My speech, my actions, my every quip – is fast. Too fast. Every day, everyone, tells me to slow down. I mean, since when can BEING TO FAST at work be a bad thing?

– When I’m doing it – hah hah.

Well… the beer and weed are hitting me pretty good. It’s getting more difficult to think straight. Goal achieved. Now I can slow down.  Though, to stop thinking is to sleep. And that will take much more beer and weed.

Well now… Lets not end this on a downer, and let me remind you, despite my apparent handicaps, life is awesome. I am happy and looking forward to the future. Big things loom. Big things indeed. I simply need to not nit pick the little things and blow things out of proportion. I need to live the MOMENT, stay CALM – and slow DOWN.

Thanks for reading, I hope you found it somewhat entertaining.

Not bad for a stoned and drunk writer who failed college eh?

C,mon laugh. That’s right. 😉

Life is good.

Pacing

One foot in front of the other,

placed carefully in line,

having chosen the exact spot

with thought.

Been running recklessly till now, buck wild.

It’s been a hell of a ride,  and for a while

didn’t think I’d hold on. But a little faith

and a lot of hard work

always pays off, and now I’m looking

at some very interesting options.

One foot in front of the other.

I don’t need to stumble again,

and take down those around me.

And as much fun as I could have

running full tilt: I could be like a flash

hitting your eyes – blinding.

I simply see at last,

how much damage that has caused

in the past.

One foot in front of the other

one little step at a time,

thoughtfully placed in line.

I’m Coming Back

It’s been awhile. It had been a whole year now. A whole year! This is the longest stretch yet. But I had a point to prove, and it HAD to be done, come hell or high water – well it came, but not to early, just in time, and now it’s time to head back, to higher ground.  It’s time to head back home.

Home not in the sense, like my hometown rather its an allusion to the prodigal  son story. Yes, I’ve been away for a year – i fell, and the fall lasted a year. The longest stretch yet. I’ve always smartened up and did my best to walk the righteous path again and again, with help from others, always with help from others.

Felt like I was not living “me” anymore, it was more of “them” and hard impressed truths onto someone who wasn’t ready to let go of what he was and what he had.  I had to prove to myself, at the very least myself, that I was strong. That I could be a man, a real man, and go out into the world – and beat it. Make my OWN choices, based on my own counsel – and succeed.

I was broken. Depressed and with no further to fall, I was at the bottom. So I got it in my head, that if I could reconstruct my world with my own two hands, and stand firmly on my own two legs, that I’d have proved myself to myself, and perhaps – to others.

And more so than less, I’ve managed to do this.

But there is a greater darkness, something stronger coming – and I am no fool and know that if I face it head on, I will be defeated.  I have now began to re work my connections, and the initial work is paying off – so its time to take it to the next step, the next level – which if anything, assures me that’s its going to be a lot harder than what I’ve just come through – and that was hell enough.

I will need everything I’ve learned about life, about love, about relationships, about faith, ready – at the forefront of my mind and at the center of my heart. Then with my fists raised, fight my way back – to where I am meant to be.

The last few months, things have not been good at all, and at times I had given up. Totally given up. Stoned every single day, more than once, more than just a few hours – when ever I was not working or sleeping, I was high or drunk.

I only mention that to contrast that with the drastic change in my point of view, as of now I am very happy, and am looking forward to the coming days.

Cause if my intuition is correct, (and it usually is) if i make the right moves, I could be even happier. On the other hand, if I procrastinate, things will only go further downhill.

In every area of my life, I’ve broken through, experienced a change, and things are gaining speed, heading toward the positive end of the spectrum.

The only real issue, is that of money, financially speaking, I am in some deep water. But am trying to work out a budgeting plan, especially since ill be making a fair bit more at work, now that I have more hours.

Hm, yes, I am coming back. The real me, that may sound cheesy, in fact it does sound cheesy. But as cheesy as it sounds, its a very powerful declaration. I’ve hidden away much of who I am, and who I want to be, sacrificed it, to be numb – to not think on what I had become.  I became what everyone else was again. I am not like a single person I’ve ever met. That much I do know, and it’s time to once again stand out – and apart if  necessary.

Hm… a year ago is when I decided to start smoking pot again, and then things gradually worsened… its been too long now, and I am ready to make a return.