Verbal Jab

I look at you and see hysterical theatrics
that only deserve to be laughed at.
I cannot be bothered to teeter totter on perspective,
save your breath, what you say is relative.

So before you dare step to me
you better understand and see
respect is earned and maintained,
not given in vain to fools who rule
with their mouths in mocks.

You’ll be another one shocked,
‘Cause I’ve walked what I’ve talked
and I’ll do it again
the moment you begin to swing.

Instantly I’ll begin to break you mentally
Test me? Undoubtedly you will find
I’m not a weak man with just a mind;
I have more than verbal skill to kill ill thoughts.
I have these fists experienced from fights fought;
able to add injury to insult.

but I refuse to take one step further
in a cycle of trifle that matters not.
I’ve fought wars and earned my scars.
So if I don’t take you seriously
don’t mind the sarcastic wit
that will make you trip
as I attack you with quip after quip.

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Conscience

right here in this moment stress manifests physically
I feel the urge to snap, break down mentally;
publicly for all to see the insanity within me.

It courses through to the tips of my fists
hate shooting through my thoughts.
I can’t seem to help this.
I shake, waiting for a war to be fought,
dismantling my life regurgitating others vomit.

It tastes like war- then it clicks,
like a fist hits – the battle is not to
give in to the temptation to explode;
unload all this aggression
cant turn it inward, just creates anxiety; depression.

It’s becoming a reality that
my aspirations quickly become fallacies.
Turning to the thing lodged in mind and quickly,
the remaining strands that hold, un-twine.

What really is, is not – as first seems,
I’m standing here, ripping apart at the seams.

Been awhile.

It’s not often I let a month go by, that I don’t write. I’ve been thinking about it, but for that matter, have also been thinking on much. Normally, usually… for the past several years, I’ve done something right after christmas about how it was and all – and it was good, really good. Despite the fact that Dad and my little brother, who is now turning 20, wasn’t there again this year.

Though, I’d definitely say my son made the whole thing for me. That was my Christmas, my gift. Wayne had a bit of a hard time, as expected. Turns out he was upset he didnt get me a gift, as he drew my name in the gift exchange. That, and he also avoided any mention of his son, deflecting conversation when any was directed on the topic.

I think I am kinda blue, Christmas was… maybe too good, and now I go back to… a dull routine. It is kinda depressing. Though… I am four months closer to next spring. Until then, I’ll work, and that is going great. Working at the home depot, doing freight. Basically, I am stalking shelves, putting product away, or bringing it down from the overheads. Easy stuff, and it keeps one busy, which is nice. Compared to the 11-14 hour nights me and Michael did, an 8.5 hour shift goes pretty quick.

…..

I really cannot believe – come to terms with the fact that its almost been a year. A year. Well, in just over two weeks, it will be a year or so – since I’ve last seen Martine. Also, notes 1 year since I cross paths with Laurie. Funny. Ironic. As life always seems to be.

I am full of thoughts about Martine, wondering where she’s been and how she is. Keep thinking would be nice to talk to her, even – simply see her. Do hope to cross paths with her again.

………..

Been thinking about my son alot too, its been alot of fun spending time with him. He is learning fast and getting big. He makes me laugh, doing the most unexpected, cute, things. The bus ride home was alot of fun, though very tiring, as I had worked all night the night before. But Jeremiah got bored, and decided he’d tackledĀ  me there in the seat. He sure is spontaneous.

………..

Well…. its just after 12 am…. its now Sunday… Thinking its time for bed.