Connections

It is nice to feel a sense of momentum, or at least a sense of motivation that will lead to momentum. I’ve come to terms with some very simple, yet challenging goals I need to accomplish. In the end, ALL the choices and actions I must make and take, revolve around people and relationships – perhaps more specifically, connections. Certain connection, between people – friends, people I’d like to be friends with – better friends with. Certain choices I must make to better myself and in the end, better certain relationships significantly – important connections I have been lacking in. I, once again, realize I am un happy, due to a lack of specific people in my life.

Now a matter of resolving the issue of how to get said people – into – my life, which again, really doesn’t seem impossible. Knowing that, I can no longer sit by and merely think on this or that. I’ve grown bored of simply wondering, thinking, pondering… I need to take thought to action and find just where the cookie crumbles. And in the end, if I am no further along from where I started, at least I’ll know – and at least that will be something. Something that will lead to something else, a new start, a fresh beginning, a new outlook – a launching pad into… what ever may come.

What ever it may be, I know… i feel it… in my being that it will be positive, only good will come of it. In some way, some manner of self growth or life lesson. What is that old saying? “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”  That’s exactly the truth of my life right at this moment. I’ve stopped venturing, or never truly bothered to start. I have the intention to, the thought to…

Fuck. I want to adventure, I want to take chances, meet people – do things! Big things, scary things, things I may not be able to do! I have grown stagnant, sitting on the sidelines, watching, listening, thinking, growing bored and, old, and lacking. Bleh.

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I want to test my fists against the might of this world, my thoughts against the wisdom of truth. I want to feel alive. I want to make others feel alive – that is a high. I know, I truly know, that if just applied myself, I could be just as damn good as anyone. Anyone. Any peer. Anyone of those I sat next to in class, anyone who deems them selves intelligent, I know I could, and can, stand toe to toe with them. I went far enough, witnessed enough, to know where I stood – and to now know I could have gone further… Arrrgh! I will go further. It’s about time I stopped grieving. I must take back what I lost. I must achieve that which I know I can, and then test my self to go one step further.

I can feel only positive things will come from this, self discovery and growth, achievements in listening to the heart, fulfilling dreams and goals – simply living life larger and fuller. Very satisfying, satisfying enough to carry one through the low times, as they will still certainly come, just in different ways, as is the nature of life.

Now… to just battle the temptation to do nothing. If only that were simple.

Digging, tasting

It’s been awhile thinking, churning digging up the inner most hidden thoughts – that seem to plague me more and more. I find I cannot escape some very basic and simple things – though the obvious solution is before me, I simply choose not to take it in hand, and apply it to the problem.

Furthermore it is bothersome, once again, that ghosts from yesteryear visit me and leave there various effects of melancholy woe and regret – depressing. Still, no reason to give up on on that is good, no reason to punish those that are innocent. It always figures, its the anniversaries of the moments that break ones heart that are often more powerful than any other memory – at least for me.

Sates of reflection are very useful. I enjoy being able to see if I can tell the difference between where I am, and where I was, always wondering – did I learn anything? If I were to try again, would I do better? Needless to say, I could go on with a series of similar questions, all of which would probably do nothing more than pick me apart. I seem to enjoy picking things apart, dismantling, deconstructing, damaging.  Well, not enjoy, but I am prone to deconstructive behavior, by nature I seem drawn to naturally seek out destructive methods of living and existing. If it was any one thing that I wish to accomplish, ironically, it would be to live purposefully and constructively. That said, I know how to do this, leaving one to ask – just what the hell am I trying to accomplish?

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I really have a lot of “loose ends” to tie up. Things, that I feel, are unsettled, and if its anything known about me, once I set my mind on something, I usually end up doing it – even If I know, or can’t see that it’s a bad idea.  I get stuck on things – I hate wondering, “what if”, I hate that! I have too many times asked, “what if” and am now beginning to see the beauty of trying to live in the moment; do not procrastinate or hesitate, simply act. Who knows how things could really turn out.  Sure it require putting yourself out there – be vulnerable, but that’s life. Better to live out in the open and bare naked, than hidden in the back, clothed and unseen. At least the passer by’s would remember the naked person.

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I have come to some solid conclusions. It is time to try harder and live better. This is easily possible and within grasp, it is simply a choice of mere action; the process of turning thought into action by the force of will power. The choice to be motivated by the positive energies of life, and not high on the negative vibes that drain.

I have realized, by a very constructive, real life example, to not take things for granted, because what little bit you have can be taken away. Simple as that. I’ve realized it’s all nice and easy to think I got something good – then never mind to take the time to pay attention to what ever it is: and poof – it’s gone and I feel that ever sickening sense of loss.

I’ve lost a fair bit, and have for far to long  been tallying what I could have here and now – if  I had made some smarter choices – some very difficult choices, hehehe. My father always used to say the long, hard way around, is often the correct way. I guess if all choices were simple and easy in life, there would be little reward. What would be the use of that? What purpose or flavor would that add to life?

I am tired of living a tasteless life.