It is nice to feel a sense of momentum, or at least a sense of motivation that will lead to momentum. I’ve come to terms with some very simple, yet challenging goals I need to accomplish. In the end, ALL the choices and actions I must make and take, revolve around people and relationships – perhaps more specifically, connections. Certain connection, between people – friends, people I’d like to be friends with – better friends with. Certain choices I must make to better myself and in the end, better certain relationships significantly – important connections I have been lacking in. I, once again, realize I am un happy, due to a lack of specific people in my life.
Now a matter of resolving the issue of how to get said people – into – my life, which again, really doesn’t seem impossible. Knowing that, I can no longer sit by and merely think on this or that. I’ve grown bored of simply wondering, thinking, pondering… I need to take thought to action and find just where the cookie crumbles. And in the end, if I am no further along from where I started, at least I’ll know – and at least that will be something. Something that will lead to something else, a new start, a fresh beginning, a new outlook – a launching pad into… what ever may come.
What ever it may be, I know… i feel it… in my being that it will be positive, only good will come of it. In some way, some manner of self growth or life lesson. What is that old saying? “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” That’s exactly the truth of my life right at this moment. I’ve stopped venturing, or never truly bothered to start. I have the intention to, the thought to…
Fuck. I want to adventure, I want to take chances, meet people – do things! Big things, scary things, things I may not be able to do! I have grown stagnant, sitting on the sidelines, watching, listening, thinking, growing bored and, old, and lacking. Bleh.
I want to test my fists against the might of this world, my thoughts against the wisdom of truth. I want to feel alive. I want to make others feel alive – that is a high. I know, I truly know, that if just applied myself, I could be just as damn good as anyone. Anyone. Any peer. Anyone of those I sat next to in class, anyone who deems them selves intelligent, I know I could, and can, stand toe to toe with them. I went far enough, witnessed enough, to know where I stood – and to now know I could have gone further… Arrrgh! I will go further. It’s about time I stopped grieving. I must take back what I lost. I must achieve that which I know I can, and then test my self to go one step further.
I can feel only positive things will come from this, self discovery and growth, achievements in listening to the heart, fulfilling dreams and goals – simply living life larger and fuller. Very satisfying, satisfying enough to carry one through the low times, as they will still certainly come, just in different ways, as is the nature of life.
Now… to just battle the temptation to do nothing. If only that were simple.