Master of Reflection

What words wrought from the innards of my soul,
Can begin to communicate – a man feeling not whole.
I’ve splayed many templates of reflection.
Trying desperately to vomit up the devils infections.
I need to find freedom.

There are chains that I’ve built from unspoken words.
Silenced one to many times, I’ve been left standing; unheard.
Therein, I’ve uncovered the reasons for these writings.
Hoping someone is listening and reading about me fighting.
Trying to live a better life.

I speak frequently now, but none of it’s what I really want to say.
I’ve been tempered by the masses and act out a scripted play.
I’m an impostor, a man made of self defensive words and acts.
Though if you read this, you’ll discover my soul; its heart facts.
Here in these words I am real.

I’m tired of trying so hard to be noticed and accepted.
It’s all vain glory; pointing toward a man who’s often rejected.
There’s only one way out of this prison of perfection.
In broken humility, I’m pointing up “Jesus heal my rejection”
So I may live without fear.

May 26th, 2010

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Thanks for the Kiss

I found my way,
To the center of her attention.
A simple calculation.
An observation. Or two.
A little conversation.
And I was in.

She smiled.
Where moments before,
Apprehension,
Had her heart suspended.
A barricade.
I smashed that door down,
and sat,
at her table sipping ale,
like a king.

I was “cute” and “champion”
Having won a fight,
Without making a fist.
Her supposed boyfriend,
Saw us kiss.

Eyes closed,
Head moves towards hers.
Lips pressed.
Mine meet hers.
Mouths open gently.
Tongues touch.
Twice.
Lips close,
and heads move away.

If there was a moment
That was it.
It was golden
“Thank you” I said
“No, thank you!”
Came the reply.

I had no supreme calculations thereafter.
Extreme inebriation,
Had me in my head.
I may have then,
Took a turn for the worst,
thinking inwardly.
Replaying,
the moment.
I was no longer living the moment.
I was a silent man

And then another,
When I had turned my head for a minute,
Was getting her number.
What labor had he worked?
I wondered.
That he could so casually steal my efforts.
Be the one to walk away with her.

A day and a half,
Replaying the moments.
I was a master of each.
‘cept that last half hour.

Now the realization.
The fault wasn’t in me.
My game was flawless.
It was in her,
Her heart was lawless.

No matter.
Only that I expressed,
My prowess.
Miss Red,
Thanks for the kiss.

Filling

Silence now,
As sleepy eyelids close.
Coming to an end, this day dawns.
My day is as night,
Where hours ago demons shrieked in my soul;
Pulled and poked, provoked.

Broken and battered,
Wondering if I’ll ever get it right.

Continue to fight,
Screaming torment,
Turns to lament,
Turns to joy.

Silence now.
Peace pulses through my veins.
I am washed.
The sorrow is bled out.
Blood was bled for me.

Moments ago
Fists pounded tiles.
Pain shot through me,
as if too – mock me metaphorically.
I did scream.
Wondered what was wrong inside.
and the Lord spoke.

Time,
you must bide.
Be still.
I am here.
I have heard you.
Please my son.
Let me be God.
Do not give in.
Your night shall turn to dawn.
All your sorrows,
Shall be gone.

I am made whole,
Seeing through my holes,
The face of Jesus.

Pouring

Empty holes
appear in my soul
like snow melting in acidic rain.

The pain of the past
reviving.

I’m Holding to memories that forever last
Rehearsing stories
to some how fill the burned away parts

I can’t shake the feelings I felt,
cant deny
the hand I dealt
added to this misery,

I played like a fool,
oh misery
I was a tool
used
by broken angry hands.

Now I understand what could have been
I’ve seen the night turn to day and day turn to faith from heaven
I’m unleavened today,
flat out spent,
there is no relent –
these rehearsing of a play lay me silent,
I never got the part.

I depart into the darkness
day turns to night and begin again
the fight.
Pleading with the memories,
asking, begging,
don’t lie to me

I can’t help but see what I want to see,
and am willing to see if I’m wrong
poured out song after song,
Don’t think they were written for nothing
so eloquently written
for nothing.

I wonder if my words would pierce
Is that doubt?

Drowning,
I shout
underwater
inhaling in the darkness.
My heart,
my soul,
with all these thoughts,
once again
I’m poured out.

Heavy Heart

I need to tell you I’m sorry.

I need to speak what’s true from my heart.

I still feel the same as I have from the start.

Now today I’m missing your heart.

Though a whole man I feel as if I’m falling apart.

For you’re not here in my life.

Often alone at night,

Cried tears of intoxication

And now today I can count the years,

I’ve let fear take control.

I am heavy burdened with its toll

My heart aches; I’ve made mistakes,

Not listening to my heart.

The spark of the Holy Spirit,

Lit a little flame to try and tame,

A man made of self kept secretes and hidden monsters.

Figured then, I was keeping you safe.

Today, trust in you, I misplaced.

Now I am the one lost,

Considering the grave cost,

Of cowardice.

For your beautiful face,

I truly miss.