It’s weird, looking at my life anyway – all the energy of life leading up to that moment, all the chaos and confusion and drama building to that climactic moment – my brother’s accidental death. As if to wake me up and shake me hard – saying all the other shit really doesn’t matter. I mean to say, it really put everything back in perspective. What is important in life, how to treat people – how to love. How to forgive people, and give second chances, third and so on and so on, until – until love and friendship is mastered.
A new chapter, a good one I hope. Now’s the time when its proven true, what they say about – good coming after so much bad – life turning around for the better. That God uses the bad of life and turns it around for good. That somehow I or others can benefit from this – and later on down the road, I know they will. I know I will. I intend to write much about it. About everything about Justin and surrounding that night and just… Yeah it will be ongoing but it March 31st 12:14 am.
It’s defiantly a turn of a page, a new chapter, however long or short they may be. Lately it seems my story has quacked, the pace lively with action and drama. Good and bad, bad then good and then more bad and then horrible – to great. Life is interesting. Always is.
Here I am back in Gold River B.C, writing my first real journal entry since back in December. Lots has changed since even just then; in just 5 month, under half a year. To think I came out here to simply get away from my life in the city, to get away from drugs and old habits and stale relationships. Leaving behind my son. It was a new chapter back in November of 2010 when that took place, It was a new chapter from December 22nd till February 2nd 2011, when I came to Gold river for the first time After 8 years. I detailed a bit of that in my post called “Old Man”. A new chapter started and ended a month later, from February to the start of March – when I lived with Saku in Campbell River. (an interesting little ride) And yet another one, when I got my own place – again – in Campbell river.
Things were going pretty good all in all. Since I came out to Gold River, prior to that, it was hard living on the farm. I met a lot of people I never knew here in Gold River. Lots of them friends of my brother. I didn’t mind. They all seem like alright people, even found one of them to be quite a good friend, who became a girlfriend, for a short time. That chapter ended after a few months, turn a page and Justin passes.
will be good. I just know, Justin did not die for no reason. There was much purpose to it – not that it was on purpose but there is meaning there. Thick and layered meaning. Much to be brought to ones attention. Something to get into another time though.
Yeah, it’s defiantly time for a turn around, though even if luck or faith and good favour from above is on my side – I still do need to do my part, and figure out what the hell I am supposed to do with my life. I need to raise my head up – and as hard as it is, not be depressed or sink into the darkness. It is there, I know it is, ever looming, ominous and brooding.
But if I did – then so would others. I need to be strong, and I will be, not just cause I can say I can be or cause I feel I should be – or cause it’s what Justin wants – not even because people are keeping an eye on me – rather simply because – I can be. Because I am. I am strong. I’ve been well adapted to pain and loss long before this, no never of this magnitude – losing Justin is by far the worst and to tell you the honest truth, part of me knows the full magnitude of it has not set in yet. I know this cause even though I miss him, even though we all miss him – we have yet to really really miss him, those days will be hard.
I am happy for good family and close friends at this time. They are keeping me busy, I have lots of people to visit with, I am meeting all kinds of new friends, friends of Justin’s and all around just embracing love in any way I can. I am honestly trying to be patient with people and be kinder and all that – while at the same time, fighting the urge to sometimes snap (and I have). Shits fucked up. So yeah, let’s hope it gets better.
I am hopeful though. I am. I have some goals, I think. I hope I don’t procrastinate – anymore than I already have. I want to get my learners. That shouldn’t be too hard. Start with that, maybe get another part time job during the day and work as many hours as I can at Wendy’s in the evenings. (I fucking hate my job) The job is just bleh. Tasteless. Degrading. But it’s easy and its money and sometimes it can be entreating as hell. Sometimes I work with good people and a good crew, and sometimes it’s pretty awesome and I do like it – but still the job itself sucks. Then again, if they paid me like even 10 bucks an hour, I might be a bit more “enthusiastic”.
I don’t know. There’s gota be more than just work and a learners though, a little more than the little bit of love I do get. I don’t know – what is the bigger picture? Where can now go, should I be thinking about the future? And if so in what way? I mean there has to be some place grand for me, something good, something that I’m meant to walk into. Then again maybe life kicks me in the ass and it just gets harder? It can do that – God can do that. Ha ha. That’s a joke, but I hope, or should think that I am in okay standings with God.
I’ve done some praying since Justin’s death, the day of his remembrance, I broke down and cried so hard on the bridge. Began to pray and try to listen; I could hear Justin. He was speaking to me and encouraging me. It was pretty raw and intense. Since then, I’ve been more mindful of my heart and its desires and the probable way to go about things. BUT there’s so much to do – and it can’t all be done at once. One way or the other, life will eventually work itself out. Let’s hope it’s for the better.
Cheers, here’s to new chapters.
Ron Bergquist, May 31st 2011