- Old Man by Neil Young is playing.
- On a ferry ride, to Vancouver Island, unknowingly running away from another life.
- Returning to a place I’ve longed to return to – to a past where much is unsettled
- While yet – there is much to be gained; new experiences and people.
Written: December 22nd 2010
“Old man, look at my life, I’m a lot like you were, old man look at my life 24 and there’s so much more”…
8 years. 8 years have passed. Is 8 years a life time? What is a life time? A decade? 25 years? 100? It’s been 8 years since I have been here. It feels like a lifetime ago. Another life. A different life. Someone else lived it, saw it, breathed it. Who am I today? That I am here and am loving every moment of this. I may be falling in love with the possibilities that can happen in life. They are endless. Sadly, life is not. Life ends, we grow old – we die. We have internal clocks that expire, in the heart and mind – body. We decompose as we live. This is to say, we are supposed to live and live with purpose, for our time can run out… and we don’t know when or how.
“Live alone in a paradise that makes me think of two, love lost such a cost, give me things that don’t get lost like a coin that won’t get tossed. “
We are to live and make the best of choices as they come, jump on opportunity and turn possibilities into reality. We grow old. We grow old, fast. I am 24 and nowhere near where I want to be in life. I have no real direction or purpose. Or at least it doesn’t feel like. I am 24 and this is supposed to be the prime of my life. The prime of what? Prime procrastination and destruction? I should be established, living my dream, living well – falling in love and loving life. Instead, I live in my head. Everything is a dream built upon a dream, built upon another dream. The drugs fuel these dreams and keep them closer to heart and mind than reality itself…. and time slips away.
“Old man take a look at my life, I’m a lot like you, I need someone to love me the whole day through One look in my eyes and you can tell that’s true. “
I’m looking backwards, the tail end of life, the wake – watching the waves churn up possibilities I’ve let go of, chances I chose not to choose, love that I didn’t feel till It was nothing but a memory of a small idea that could have been… leaving me with nothing but coldness and self hatred. This perpetuated hatred keeps possibilities at a distance, I am too much in the dark. I can’t see past the darkness. My own darkness and peoples darkness. I believe this world is cold, dark and ugly. And only a stupid moron would choose to believe otherwise. But in the end… who’s the moron… the one who lived life and loved, or the one who stood still in the darkness… I want to see life with beauty in it, I want to look into another’s eyes and see love looking back at me, and know love is looking through me at another – Stop focusing on the darkness.
“Lullabies look in your eyes, run around the same old town, doesn’t mean that much to me to mean that much to you, I’ve been first and last, look at how time goes past, but I’m all alone at last”…
My son is virtually the only thing that ties me down. The only thought worth staying in one place for. Otherwise, life is endless with possibilities. I can do anything, There is nothing in this world, that I could not do. I do could it all. Anything. Everything. But I don’t want everything, only certain things. Idea’s. Places. People. Certain people. Certain loves. People I want to love and be loved by. The ones who’ve faded into the past. The ones… time has taken away. I don’t care anymore for people. The majority of it, simply doesn’t matter anymore. I know what I want – and I watched it fade into darkness. Everything has gone black. Where is the light? I am alone. I have made it this way. I am tired of it. I am tired of the same old thing, same old places, same old people. I want things to change, and I don’t want to be alone anymore.
How do I grab a hold of life? I’ve recently, in the last months, made up my mind, that the only way to escape and come back to level ground, was to escape it all. Put myself out of this world, by putting myself in some kind of rehab center. Escape the drugs and the bad influences I allow into my life. But… what then? I still have to come back. I still have to… re integrate into society. I’d have to start all. Over. Again. Again. Always again. How many times have I started over? I just want to go forward. Stop with the excuses and live. Live now. Before I’m an old man. An old man trapped with the mind and heart of a young man, cause I never lived the way I wanted to live when I was young.
I don’t want to be like those who’ve gone before. I want to be different. Radical. Free. Living life in a way that lights people up and gets them excited. There is so much more. So much more to life. And we miss it. Every day. We miss it. It just goes past. We watch it. Don’t even wave to it. There it goes. Gone. Lost. Forever.
Presently I am headed into the future while living the past. Knowing I am returning to the home of my teenage years. Terrible years. I am going back. I am going back to face friends and places I’ve not seen in 8 years. I have changed. They have changed. Memories remain. Can I change them? Can I repair damage done? Life didn’t have to be that way, life doesn’t have to be the way it is now. What am I going to do about it?
I know this ferry ride so well. I am no longer used to it. I am getting motion sickness. I used to be used to it. I never used to get sick. How like life. A ferry ride that we stop riding at some point, and returning to it, to life, to reality, makes us sick – well, it makes me sick. Can I hide forever? No. I am a dreamer. Dreamers don’t hide. They live. Fear. This fear. I am ruled by fear. I am ruled by judgment. I want to escape it and be something more than I am – without the drugs. The drugs seem like an escape. But in reality – just a dead end with me dead at the end. I will not end like that. I need to wake up. My dreams must become a reality. Before. I’m nothing. But. An old man.
~ It’s so beautiful here, it’s bringing me to life. I’ve been dead for so long… like so many old men who’ve sailed this ship before me.