Having Fun

Having Fun

Introducing, no you’re not hallucinating

The devastating delusion of a mans intrusion

Through allusions in his words to be heard.

Magnificent transformations in mind

Find us transfiguring into something knew

As we transpire to conspire to live higher

And be better to the letter of this letter

Point – the point that this is the top

And not the bottom, Now I’ve got them.

Watching and waiting and sometimes hating

These words that fall so effortlessly from my lips

And I’d say today is okay so let’s just jest and test

Someone to have some fun and know that this is a show.

Introducing the illusion this is my world

You’re the intrusion – contusion and lesions

And bruises too – you and you and you too.

To which the voices scream and shriek

And these words fall and they have to peak

And I just write and fight and flight and

Sing and dance and dance and sing and prance?

No.

But I am having fun.

Ron Bergquist

4:27 June 30th 2011

 

 

 

 

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Changing gears

–          Lets listen to some fuckin’ Tool.

June 30th 4:01 pm

………………………….

Chinese food is good.  Kinda just picking the rest out of my teeth – the heavy intro to Tool Vicarious just dropped – yeah head bang.

Ciggerette burning in the ashtray

Writing again

I smell weed.

Life is good.

I had lunch with my father today. My a key is working again. That is so awesome. I was terrified yesterday when I spilled water on my keyboard and it stopped working. Heh. All good now…

So yeah I am appreciating the small things today.

I had lunch with my dad and he tells me he has a drivers ed instructor lined up and ready to call me daily to get on my ass to read the book to get my N. Apparently all I have to do is study the book – when I am finished she will immediately start giving me instructions and when I graduate I get my basic N? Something like an hour of driving a day for however many hours – cool something to focus on.

And how vital is that – a drivers. That could – no – that is the key to much. Success. A better job. More money – a car for myself – even opens doors on the social scene. This is something I’ve put off for I don’t know how many years now – its good to be close to my father and finally pushed to do some things.

That said I need to be out here. On the island. This is good for me,  I need to – and am re adjusting my focus now. Time to actually get this shit done and live positive. Think about my family out here. I want to see them more often and visit more often. I want to create memories with them – before they go or I go or whatever happens in life – have some good times before more bad times come.

…………………………….

Thinking positive can be hard to do in the midst of a lot of bad shit gone awry in a day. Especially when the routine is numbing. But I shall think positively – and have been.

Yeah I am 25 years old – but I am a wise 25 year old.

I don’t always dress fancy or flashy – but I’m pretty decent looking.

I just need to stop moping around and start smiling more. Hah hahahaha.

I need to think about how everything is really okay – and sometimes friendships do hurt but keep moving keep going keep living keep loving.

Don’t shut down.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

I am really stoked on getting my learners, or however they call it here in B.c. Hah hah hah. Oh man oh man. I am so stoked and so happy. It was good to talk to my father. Good to talk. Goooood. Great.

…………………….

It’s now 4:11  – I think I shall smoke some pot in time for 4:20. Watch some anime. It’s my day off today. Yes. I do have to work tomorrow.  But Saturday off – and yeah see how that goes. Want to go to g.r.

As for tomorrow… no matter what happens I won’t let it bring me down.

Just a begginning

1:21 am June 30th

My thoughts are sporadic and random and all over the place – but they will tie together in the end.

……….

My thoughts are full of her

Im fine one second and totally happy

As if I am getting over her

Then memories replay

And I start thinking of her again

Replaying the bests moments we had

And then turning to the not so good ones

And wondering where it went wrong

And then realize it never went wrong –

It just went.

It just ended.

……………………………………………………….

This is not what I want to say – all day my head tells me what to write here then it never ever comes out the way is it is supposed to ….

……………………………………………….

I am going to miss so much about her – I miss her so much right now. Even just riding home – usually I am happy – not thinking about anything but the day – and if it was good. Like just knowing she was there – somewhere thinking of me too… It was all I needed to be okay. Then I’d get home – no one would greet me – it was empty and dark – like my place has always been… but it didn’t bother me – cause I knew I had someone thinking of me, in that special “I want you, desire you” kinda way. And the emptiness would disappear – I’d just put on a show or some tunes – play a game – and I was complete…

Now I fear coming home – its emptiness – I am not terrified – but it is discomforting – empty.

…………………………………………..

In the end – first thing to miss most is sex. I hate that. Like that  does sounds shocking just saying it ( just listen) – but isn’t it true of us all? We all have sexual need and desire – and all love getting some. And it sucks when you’ve been with a person a length of time and they were your sexual outlet – and now they are gone.  So you no longer have that intimacy and closeness that chases away them lonely blues.  Plus the strongest memories you might make with someone will probably be those intamite ones where you kissed and hugged and flirted – and seduced and then gotten sexual and fucked…. often like in the beginning of fresh hot relationships – they are sexual and crazy and intense and its all good – until it ends and all you are left with is that feeling like you’re not going to get any for awhile – and all you have are memories of the last person you had… wishing and hoping you could get some more. Some more of them, get back into their heart and back into their pants. Hah hah.

…………………………….

Not that its all about sex no – but it just comes to my mind a lot – being a sexual person – the fact that there will be a lack of sex – at least for me – and I hate this too about myself cause I am wounded – and I look wounded and I sound wounded and everything – no one wants to jump on a wounded hurting dude…. its not attractive.

I think I said earlier, girls always have it easier – specially if rebounding or just wanting to get some random sex – virtually all they have to do is let it be known its available – and wait to see who takes – then choose… They set the bait, open the trap and get their catch – guys are hunters. We have to fucking go out there – find it – play it – kill it – and bring it home to bed it. Like wholly shit its a lot of effort… and its always been too much effort for me to care for…  bet non yah ever thought that about me…

……………………………………………………

I mean I personally cannot stop thinking about sex –I love it. I look forward to it when I am with someone – a lot.  I will do anything and everything for someone – who can meet my need sexually, or someone who impresses me sexually. Someone who gets stuck in my head – and I day dream about – and look forward too… I love it.

…….. We had some great sex……… interestingly enough yeah, oddly enough yeah,  haha hah – surprisingly so.  Going to miss that a lot.

……………………………………………………..

–          I am laughing cause some ppl reading this are thinking …what the fuck…. with a weird look on their face. Hey, YOU came to my journal space – so eff off if you hate this  shit – cause this is the way it is and this is my mind going over time on life – as the title says – EXPLORING THE JOURNEY OF SELF – of me.  Hah hah

……………………………………………………………….

I hate thinking that she might not be thinking about me at all right now

I hate thinking she thinks of someone else

I hate thinking I’m not enough or attractive enough or whatever.

I hate thinking she’s sleeping with someone else.

I hate thinking.

Sometimes I hate myself.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

There are always little signs that you are gradually being pushed away – then you break up. Then there are always little signs they are moving on. Then there are always little signs they are finding new attractions and flirtations.

Its not you.

Your whole world goes

Ojhsgfad’fsa ‘m ,A; SANB Fhf

And it hurts.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

IT WOULDNLT BE SO FUCKING BAD IF I HAD SOMEONE TOO.

But I am a fucking loner

I bet you don’t know that.

I’ve always been a loner.

Hell yeah.

The guy you know now was once a scared, shy, super insecure (and in ways still am) out of place guy.

Just today I run with it all and talk more and do my best to be brave and JUST ACCEPT MYSELF SO I CAN FORCE IT OUT THERE INTO THE WORLD – and sometimes people like me…. and then they get close …

And I go…

BWAAAAHHOOARRGRAAAAPPHH!

And they run away….

Cause I am scary and intense

…. and truly a monster inside….

I try to hide him

But I failed again.

And …..

I’m burning…   Hey! I just thought of a poem I want to post – it may be fitting – it’s an unfinished never before published poem – but it shall go here in this moment – totally random. Here it is.

INFATUATIONS FLAMES

Burning now,

In infatuations flames.

The sirens sounded,

As smiles implored the sky.

Half doubting .

Stood defiantly,

As if to test fate.

To see if the moment could be surpassed.

The bombs began to fall

And for a time,

It was possible to outrun them.

Hesitant choices

mistaken steps,

Made the difference in the end.

Fire engulfed everything.

pained screams assured listeners

It was real,

And it was happening.

Ron Bergquist

July8th 2010

This is truly a euphoric moment as it happens, a genuine writer moment. Because this was written nearly a year ago – based of the last crazy fling I had – I never finished the poem, it had no real direction or depth to it – until now. Now this poems makes sense to me – now it has a meaning to it. This poem can live in public light. Though it was seeded a year ago – it was born today with meaning.

……..

The readers here and those close to me bear witness to my pain in life right now – over this and everything all together – just my life falling apart… me struggling and yet trying to smile while looking at the sky – and knowing yet there are bombs to fall that will burn everything and cause pain… I can try to dodge them and out run it all … but it wont stop it from happening. It wont change anything.

…………………………………………………

Just like I knew dating her and trying my bet would change nothing. Right from the beginning I knew that. But it wasn’t  about making myself happy. If it was all about me – I’d never have given her or us any thought at all. But it was about her and her need to be loved – and to be shown that she can be loved –and truly loved – not just loved for her body or whatever.

And that above paragraph is not about me trying to look like a good guy – its the truth. (the relationship itself proves it)

I just wanted to love her – her story,  the little bit I knew in the beginning, broke my heart. Then I thought long and hard on it – and it was like – yeah I can and want to love her – I will love her. I will do it, (love is a choice) – but slowly and cautiously.  Mind you this was not like – an overnight choice – it took a few months to get there. I was hesitant at first for numerous reasons already stated.

All I could think is someone needs to love her – no matter what. And do it honestly – see her heart. And love that. Not looks or age or style or clothing or anything materialistic and shallow. Just love her for who she is and stick by her – and show her she is  worth that time and effort – no matter how she acts.

Though if I were to be honest, like I said above, it took about 2 months to get to that thought because at first I wasn’t thinking about anything. Just that initial attraction that it was nice to have someone to talk to – and hug – then kiss and one thing leads to another…  transition into that state of having a friend who you are sleeping with and then feelings start to develop and a relationship starts to form. I didn’t want anything to happen cause my life was just so messed up priot to coming to the island – I was supposed to just be relaxing and getting healthy – distressing. Not getting involved with anyone. At all. There was that – and her age that bothered me like mad. But … she was really honestly different than any other girl her age and anyone else I had up to that point, had a chance to know – just that ability to listen and her silence – was like really cool and I was attracted to it.

Sure it was tough, moving to Campbell, her having to hitch hike – but I saw dedication and effort and it made me smile. I loved being with her cause we had so much fun – hah hah. I never want to grow up and when I was with her – it was like I was free and young again. It maybe sounds stupid but… I love escaping and being a goof ball and being … crazy and all that shite… I never had much of a child hood – had to grow up too quick and part of me, I know this about myself, never has grown up – never wants to grow up… I don’t want to face the fact that I am 25.

I loved spending time with her – it was worth waiting up too more than two weeks at a time just to see her for a few nights. Then things get kinda stressfull and yeah lots of crazy shit happened – and she put me through a lot and caused a lot of pain – but what ever. It doesn’t matter. Not because I don’t care, but because I do care – for her – that much. I am not some shallow person who just tosses people because they fuck up.

I have and still do – fuck up badly. All the time. Countless times.

I have had people stick it by me – and that’s how I’ve become who I am today.

I only ever hope that in time she sees the value of our friendship, and to never worry about feeling bad about how I was treated – I chose to put myself there. Willingly. Sure it hurt a lot this last while… and I said stuff like it never should have happened – and all that – but it did happen. I do not regret that it happened. I like that it happened. It taught me a lot. I know it has and will impact her a lot too.

In the end… I am happy and content and okay. In the end everything is okay and worth the effort- Sometime it just takes time to see it come to light.

Everything in life happens for a reason.

Patients will always reveal that reason.

………………………………………………………………

You are forever my friend.  Never forget that always remember the good things – and that there are better things and times ahead. Life will be good – no. It will be better than good. It will be amazing.

This is just a beginning not and ending.

…….

Overthinking it all

these posts latley have just been crazy out pours… just emotion turmoil from my day at work – which sucks the most. I think today I am okay and realize – I will be okay – well I already knew this – but I had to be mad and upset and sad – to be happy. I am almost there. Well at least for now I am almost there…

Justin’s death and that grief is at the center of this all… and everything else around it just makes it harder.Trying to hold onto her was just a mechanism to deal with this grief and pain to not feel so low… and kinda losing that just really hurt and does hurt. Mixed feelings – all over the place thought – in the end really irrelevant – but it feels good getting it out. I could dwell on it and keep going on and on – but I think I would start getting repetative – I could say a lot more and ant too but would over do it – and might say something to off base or give the wrong impression. I don’t want that.

So I think I will wrap up my thoughts on … the recent topics with  one more post. The one after this – then I hopefully, will change gears and get to thinking of other things.

Nine Inch Nails and Stabbing Westward

Two amazing bands – two of my very favorites – two bands that more or less describe me – just dark and angry gritty – emotional – emo – dark – yearning… love and love lost… these bands fill my play lists recently….

The only – stabbing wesward.

Hurt – NIN

Telivison – S.W.

Everyday is exactly the same – nin

Why – stabbing westward –

Reptile – Nin

It’s been awhile – stained

the little things – danny elfman

Akon – I tried.

………..

this has been my play list recently….

Break post

I am going to start making posts on my break – when and if I have the time…

Running through my head again and again – the facts- what is the truth. I have more or less figured it out and now understand why what was said and how it more or less comes together – I dont need to know everything or every last detail – it will just bring the already there pain, out more -I dont need to hurt any more. I just want to be okay.

I don’t need to dwell on it – just come to terms with what is what and leave it alone after today. Everything hurts still but not as bad – I am getting over this slowly – ill bleed a little while longer….

Its like it was all a big hurricane and I pushed through one crazy stormy side – to the calm center where everything seemed good again – then started to head back into the crazy shit storm as all this shit happened this past weekened… then its like okay push through it some more and just get through it… all most there now… Almost there…

I’ve sustained a lot of damage – but I will heal – I always do- And always go on and continue to always be friends. That is just how I am. I can take a beating and always will – to always be at the center of someones heart. I know in the end, there is value to this – i hope she values my friendship and willingless to stick by her and never forget all the good things – despite some crappy stuff… i dont hold crappy stuff against people –  I just hope they don’t ever hold mine against me……………………………………………………………

I think from now on – now that I am free and my own person again – starting to day for sure – I will be posting everything I write here now – try even harder to push my boundaries and comfort zone. I have no worries to mind anymore. I shouldn’t anyway – never should – this is my world and I have given you all the key – if you enter here – be warned this is my world and my words and I do what I please here….. no one can stop me 🙂 I love it…..

For now that is all… just dropping out the extra thoughts…. freedom… FREEEEEDOMMMM!!! now… lets go burn this mother fucker down!