Down.

To sum it up in a word, just feeling down. Work was the same routine, fucking brutal. Starting to think its just where I’ll be, for awhile, and that hurts. I need a change, a new job an opportunity to do something more. Something better. A better job, I need money – there’s just not enough. I can’t support my habbits. Smoking and smoking weed. I need a little bit of pot everyday to mellow out, and to help me calm down after work and sleep at night. I wish I didn’t. I wish I did not smoke pot.( or do any other drugs at all) Pot makes me procrastinate all the more (than I already do), it takes the edge off my personality and dulls my reactions. In both mental and physical capacity.

Smoking drains on my already limited funds. I can hardly pay rent, bills and get food -( well I can’t without the help of my dad. Truth. He’s even paying for my cell) There’s just not enough money to go round. Especially since I would love to get things, like new clothes ( I feel so scrubby wearing the same things every day that I have for years), I’ve got a very limited supply as I’ve moved several times in the last 6 months, and I keep leaving stuff behind. I would love to afford the internet but have an old bill to pay off, an outside connection at home would be nice. These are just luxries though – ones that do keep me sane and feeling good, without them, life kinda really sucks. What’s more is even  if I could afford these everyday things – I have easily 10,000 in debt to pay off. Child support, student loan for 7 g’s, old bills. It’s fucking retarted. I fucking work at Wendy’s. I hate my life. F.M.L

To top it all of – I can’t stop thinking about Justin. I feel like I owe him something – like qutting pot and drinking all together, making an example of his life – and how really in the end, drinking did  him in. Our (his families) worst fear. Like we knew it would happen one day, not the accident, but something. Y,know? Hence why my dad, and even I, is taking it so hard. I feel like I could have been a better example, and quit sooner, like I tried to do so many times. I often told Justin to quit, when at times I did – and even when I didn’t if I smoked with him, I told him if I could quit now, I would, and am trying to. I tried to tell him how important God was in ones life… arrrrrgh. I could have done more… been a better brother. But…. then again, we lived the way we lived – and did so for a reason. I don’t think I regret anything, well maybe not much. I could have been a better influence though. I should have been. I knew how to be, and I didn’t. Cause im a downer, think life is tough all the time – and how about now!? MY LITTLE BROTHER IS GONE! … ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS!

So he’s dead – andddd. I am trying to be positive right? I mean and I have been. The first week was fucking hard as all hell. Then I got really positive and everything was great. Like I felt unstoppable. Then life returned to normal, as normal as it could – and it was like I was okay. Cept I started feeling not okay for feeling okay. Like I need to do something more – andddd I’m starting to go in circles…

I know Justin wants me to be tough, to be strong – like him. And I am. I know I am – but I am also a lot more emotional than my little brother. Plus my mind works way differently, over analyzing and thinking and worrying.  I have my fucking moments as is – never minding adding Justin’s death to the mix…. I have a son I miss dearly, and after this – all the more so. My son turns four in 7 days. I wont be there. This will be the first birthday I’ve missed. I hear he misses me so much – he pretends he spends time with me and tells his mother all the time. It fucking kills me.

My light and positivity may go dim. I may burn out. I may grow hateful and angry again. I may burn my world down. Again. I may say fuck everything again. Family – friends – everything.

Then again I might not. This is me reaching out. Saying – I need YOU guys. Out there. I really do, and I think if I can feed off your love and positivity I may be okay. It’s only ever when I shut the world out, (without pre warning) that I end up doing something stupid – like binging on hard drugs. Butttt that wont happen, I’m sick of that crap. Plus I can’t afford to. hah hah….

Awwww man… There are a few good things in life though, yes there are. 🙂 Good friends, great friends, great family and lots of love. Yes there is. Lots of love. 🙂 Good days are ahead. I just know it, there is a chance coming, opportunity is coming. God is always taking and giving – giving and taking. Please, I pray for an opportunity. Before I give in.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s