Archive – Morose Reflection

Grade 12 – 2003

sleeping souls hide a terrible hurt.
They’ve been lost and frozen beneath the dirt.
Simply wish we could lose this hate,
Are we really dammed to be controlled by fate?

Why can’t we find what we need?
Remember not to panic when walls bleed.
Searching sucks away our souls.
Eyes once windows, now empty holes.

We embrace the cold wind as it blows.

Cast into a morbid realm, how could this all be?
The more we shut our eyes, the better we see.
Our minds numb, no longer able to speak,
We’ve grown dumb, not to mention weak.

People are bent on torment.
Our sorrow flows in torrents.
It leaves us withered and used.
We’re now alone and abused.

Floating away with what should be pain.
The blood ceases to flow through the veins.
As the sun introduces dawn,
Our souls are remembered,
For they are now gone.

 

Gr 12, 2003

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Breaking Boundaries

 

Trying to come to terms with who I am

trying to understand that I am me

that it doesn’t matter how people choose to see me

I am my own collection of experiences that have molded me

I do not need to live to impress or attract others.

I live by my own code.

I may be a little bit intense at times

maybe sometimes go a little too far

but I always have fun

and in the end when I think about life

I really do enjoy it.

I don’t wish to die because I’d miss out on so many beautiful things

beautiful people of different personalities and looks and styles.

People I choose to accept as themselves – whoever they might be

I’m willing to figure them out and look for the reasons why

why they are who they are

and return I hope people only ever wish do to the same to me

but it takes a little courage to begin people diving

and try to surface with answers without feeling a little awkward at times.

Life is a beautiful mess.

Just like me

and you.

 

Ron Bergquist

July 30th 2:13  pm

July 29th

July 29th

11:48 am

Didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. Fucking stupid… Annoyance… Whatever – try not to be so sensitive. Let it go. Let it go. Just calm down and focus and keep to what you were doing. You are okay. Doing okay – you are trying and remembering that everything will work out somehow. You will get a job. A better job will change everything. Absolutely. Be positive – you’ve got skills and communicate well. You need to get the fuck out of wendies. That bullshit fucking moronic job.

GODDAMN SOUL CRUSHING BULLSHIT BECAUSE I WORK WITH … fucking morons sometimes and it just arrrrghhhhhhh…. hahahahahaahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahahaa….

I spent TWO FUCKING HOURS SCRAPPING HARDENNED OIL OFF A PAN THAT SITS UNDER THE FRYER USED FOR CHANGING OIL…. and I did a good fucking job too – but but but … theres this one supervisor – that no matter what you do he acts like it isn’t good enough. And he’s just some kid who… like… never had a real job besides fucking wendies. ITS LIKE YES FRY LORD I UNDERSTAND FRY LORD – I KNOW HOW TO DO DEAMINING TASKS WITHOUT FUCKING BEING STOOD OVER AND WATCHED AND CRITISISED. GOD DAMN.

……

Then I got nothing to do so I’m kinda like sad Ill be off early on a four hour shift – THAT WAS GREAT TILL IT GOT ME IN A BAD MOOD – i mean … c,mon four hours and easy job – i should be happy – but people are stupid. People are fucking stupid. I hate it. So anyway… don’t have anyone to chill with – just another night where I end up drunk and by myself …. but I wrote some pretty cool poems at least – I think they speak for themselves – though they are just angry drunken vents- totally pissed off. Kinda makes me just wanna drink and be angery at the world – I almost had beer for breakfast – I had a couple left – I kinda like the state of mind it puts me in. I mean for writing. Drinking and music and writing – its a good time – even if I do it alone. I like my own company I guess… I don’t get burned that way – and its cheaper than having friends. Hahahaha….

Fuck sometimes I hate life. Sometimes I just let it really get to me – people get to me. I just want to be a nice guy – but IM REALLY FUCKING ANGERY SOMTIMES…. and and and … its just all frustrations probably at myself. Or mostly. Maybe God too – and yeah – I don’t really have any close friends – relatives aside.

I don’t have a peer group out here as of yet…

Need job. Need license. Need car.

Good things will happen

Opportunities will come.

I will make the best of this shit

And only grow to be stronger.

 

 

End

 

Annoyance

Angry dance

Shout and rant

 

But at least

My water is

Cold

 

I don’t care

To care

But I do

 

And that means

I have to try

Harder

 

Stop with the

Drunken

Delusions

 

I want to

Live

Free.

 

My soul

Is breaking

Down

 

And spirit is

Forcefully

Pushing through

 

I no longer

Wish to fight

God

 

Ron Bergquist

June 29th 2011

11:46 am

Life’s a Bitch – that doesn’t love you.

 

Mourning loves lost in the pursuits of lusts sought

Fought wars in my soul wondering if scars from battles

Make me less whole – I’m rattled always faltering

And fighting to understand why I can’t stand

Most the shit that grips me with fear and brings tears

To my eyes – the everyday white lies we tell each other

To smother our pain and pain we might cause another

Our flaws hidden and forbidden to see light cause we each

Fight out of sight inside ourselves to hide the darkness

We’ve harnessed since birth – knowing some of us are cursed

To walk a harder path and somehow have to last longer

And be stronger than those long gone to the dawn – setting sun

Taking sons and daughters to heaven – before

We had a chance to truly know them.

My curse then – an effort of a man to extort all he is

In everything he says he is in these words – his world,

To reach out with shouts of pain – seemingly in vain

To be understood cause I am a boy standing still in his manhood

Lost and frozen in fear with frost from the cold of humanity

Always telling me lies – saying this is fucking reality –

When all it is – is fallacies offered up as reality and truth.

Uncouth morals and mindsets besets my heart

But how to fit in when everyone lives in the dark

I have a spark inside of me that if I let it shine I could blind;

Youth of this nation and without hesitation ignite imagination

And change destinies – setting people free to just be themselves

But my greater knowledge of life – is locked away on a higher shelf

Saving it for myself and the one who can truly make me feel undone

Like I belong – like I long to know the place for me

The stakes for me are high and I am tired of lies and when it comes down to it

I’m tired of bullshit – and if you can tolerate me I’ll tolerate you

And in the end we will both know what is true

And if you hate lies look in to my eyes and see a man

Who understands what it means to be real understand

What I feel is you and if you feel me then we see eye to eye

No more room for lies and we can live and give each other

More than possessive smothers and love each other

Like no others

And come through life with more than just lustful fucking

Genital sucking – effortless loving – more than hoping to be meaningful

Cause we’re accepted as more than just beautiful.

I am not – and you are not

Just a physical shell.

Look past my looks – look inside me

I am a living hell.

 

Ron Bergquist

July 29th 2011

1:08 am

Live or Die

 

Fuck you all – I hate life

I wish I were dead.

I wish I could kill myself

But some of you care

And I sometimes hate that

If I were the old me I’d be long dead

I fucking hate life and how fake it is

I hate you fakes

You fucks who waste my time

My money

My effort

My love

You drain me away and I fucking hate it.

I want to just let go.

All I do is dream

And live a lie

In which all I do is sleep

And dream

Because it’s better than the pain of reality

The reality that I am a broken human being

Since birth cursed to be broken.

I am a burden to those around me

Only ever wishing to help those around me

With the knowledge of life that I have –

But am stuck in a rut and broken

Spinning my tires effortlessly

In a race I feel I’ve long since lost.

I do not wish to live like this.

I am a loser and a loner

All my good friends are friends of the past

Long since gone away

Faded away

Because I out grew them trying to be something more

Because I’ve been taught I can be something more

And to be discontent with the minuscule.

I am meant for more

And war inside myself the battles of the spiritual

And the fact that there is a God and a Devil fighting

For my soul.

I am not whole. I am broken and am full of holes.

I hate life.

I want to die.

I do not wish to live

Cause I give too much and get hurt in the end

And over think everything and wonder where I belong

And who truly loves me

Not just my father or mother or God, HIMSELF

BUT rather intimately and romantically

Who can best me!

And be on the same level as me!
and not waste my time with trivial pursuits

Of lust

And dismal meanings of what we only think

Is love.

Who can come to me and challenge ME and romance ME

AND give back to me what I’ve given out?

I need to love and love to live and I live to love to love to …

Just fucking…

Succeed

What is success!

I was once told by a D.r I’d never make it – never be a part of society

My reality was told me that I was so damaged that I could not fit in properly.

I was cursed to be broken and lived fucked up.

And it hurts

That so far I’ve proven all them negative voices right.

This is my fight –

To live

Or die

To try or not

To care or fuck it all.

I could do both

Live under Gods hand and save this world

Or ride as an angel of death and kill.

I can live

Or

Die.

 

 

Ron Bergquist

July 29th 2011

12:37 am

July 27th

July 27th

1:50 pm

Just got back from Gold river a little while ago – took a couple blades. Almost out. I bought a pack of smoked and have 35 dollars left. I want to get 1.5 grams worth of pot which will leave me with 20 in cash – and 40 stashed in my account I can’t touch. It’s better than nothing I guess.

Still I feel like I should be doing better and have more cash – and I hate how what little cash left I try to think how to best make it last…. so I can spend it on pot and cigarettes later. Everything boils down to just having enough food to eat, smokes and a little weed. Then I feel like I can make it through the days…

But it should not be that way – I hate the amount of cash I spend on pot and smokes and drinking. This past few days off I spent another 40 dollars just on myself for drinking. 50 bucks now that I bought smokes and after I buy some weed that will be 65 dollars spent – for nothing really…. I could really use groceries but I think I am more worried about going with out having vice than food…

….

Gold River felt different without Andria around – totally different. It didn’t seem the same. My trip out there annoyed me – hayden and torin got on my nerves bad – by today I was done and fed up. Felt like babysitting my son – but they are 14 and 16 – what a headache…. thought about Andria where ever I went and what ever I did. There was a pit party for that Trevor dude. It was… weird… alright I guess. I mean just a bunch of kids standing around a fire drunk. It wasn’t like the usual week end pit parties where ever one shows up and there are some older peoples there… But yeah just a handful of young ones – if Dequoda wasn’t there I would not have been there – she wanted to hang out for a bit and drink with them and I was supposed to walk her home… kinda amusing night in some ways – Brended trying to show off and start shit with everyone – lol kinda reminded me of myself – so I had to give him a little wrestle, even with cracked ribs hahaha… i hurt after but I still took him down solid.

…………

Just trying to unwind my mind and my day – my days off – this week. I need to sober up and I want to – I need to start though by cutting back again. Just to like smoking at night, weed at night and cut back on the smokes so I can make them last longer and spend less. I can do this I know I can….

I don’t want to keep being stoned all the time and during the day – summer is finally here and its hot as hell out. I have nothing to do – now that I am not in g.r. Once again sitting in my place – just getting stoned – looking for weed. I don’t have any buddies to call, except drug dealers and pot heads. And they are doing the same thing I am, just sitting around inside somewhere stoned and bored. Bleh. I think I am going to go for a walk to the library … want to hear from Andria.

 

Still stuck in my mind and heart – interestingly enough…. missing her and looking at our pictures lots- listening to all the best songs that remind me of her. Yeah. I wonder how things will turn out – when we will see each other again and hang out – do something fun – or whatever. 😉 Grrr…. I am wishing things would somehow be different…

…..

I really hope everything is okay over there…

…..

I applied to a couple of jobs under pressure from my dad, forest companies – they were adversting for some other higher up jobs – but my dad wanted me to email them anyway and tell them a bit about myself… I did fine on the first one – but the second one I didn’t attatch my email and then I started thinking about how I didn’t have a professional email and my pure_insanity email looks bad. Hhah hah… why even bother… I don’t know… I hate the effort… fuck it. But i need a new job…. I need my learners.

…………..

I need this and need to do that… always talk about it write about it shout it… and never do it. I fucking hate it. I hate a lot of things – I just sometimes hate more than I like. I fucking like hating shit and saying fuck a lot – while getting stoned and writing and just venting all this bullshit out – life is fucked up and – it doesn’t have to be if I could just see clearly. Hah hah hah hah… Lets… just chill out and see how these next few days play out at work – see if I can’t make use of my time and apply for some more jobs and study the learners booklet… provided I don’t get too stoned to study…

…………….

Going to wrap this up – go for a walk – and chill out and try to just unwind from my days off… blahh…