Emaciated Replication

Lethal injection manifested infection of subjection

I am a jester testing the lesser to prefer to think –

I am dying to see what it means to be free in me

And live alive and not just exist in some ones fist

 

In this fist is where you deserve to exist

Written typos grappled your mind to a point –

You cannot define yourself in others

I am what you want to be.

 

Metamorphisms playing out in mind; our schisms

Transforming us into hardened beings

that are deceiving ourselves

I in you and you in me; together seeing.

 

Swallow our pride – dig inside

Adolescent mind trying to comprehend

Yearning to learn

I’ll teach you if you teach me.

 

Slip your soul down a pole and dance naked

In your head where all the flowers have gone dead

And the light pouring in on us is not sun

But broken luminescence shot from neon signs

 

Sharpened nails dig deep into counting sheep

Sleeping silently; dreaming innocently

Woken up by sinful intentions

The horizon will burn you once forgiven

 

Blinding light as eye lids open and finger unfurl

You’re freed from my fist and kissed with death

To be cursed if you walk back towards the corners of your mind

Where you’ll find me again sitting with slotted eyes

Counting all your little lies; saving everything you despise.

 

Written by: Ron and Alexandria

September 24th 2011

3:15 pm

Fall Spurts

Balls roll crunched up

Into themselves

Nicely

Like they are having fun

But

Being kicked and rolled around

Isn’t fun.

 

….

 

I wish I could stop my brain

Whenever I wished

Just flick a switch

And click off my thoughts.

… that be nice.

 

 

Sometimes really hate myself

My over thinking and constant

Picking at scars causing deeper wounds

…Food for thought, indeed

I’m dying from a burst gut.

 

Remember when I used to write

With metaphors

And taught life lessons

To friends?

That was something

Then and now all thats left is

The purge of thoughts

That bash on white pages

Like huge waves

In the ocean.

…like it used to be…

Lets slam this beer and think right here right now

and go wow I can’t believe how time deceives two into thinking

and fighting believing they’ve come closer when its not sure

if its him or her that’s made them go farther apart

broken hearts makes me wonder how the fuck did it all start

somewhere on a bench in a field behind a school

a meeting that never should have taken place but did

and I placed a kiss, did not miss her face her cheek and that first meet

that has us wanting each other more and more craving each others touch

and too much of a messed up past for us to last and ages like numerous pages

separating chapters and factors in life that say why one story is different from the next

what was I too expect – i didn’t want to admit i knew all along I’d be this wrong

to make you feel so right to fight to give you the best to test myself and selflessly live

to give you all i could give you – i really did.

I feel so stupid every time we fight at night drunk and think why we’ve sunk

and everythings so bunk and why I cant make you smile anymore … always sad

watching you walk out my door. wondering if I will see you again and fight sin and begin

to binge on vices and splice pain into pleasure and pleasure into pain and in vain

write here hoping to communicate to you how much you are loved

and even though push came to shove and I’m sitting in the unknown

I know I know I miss our words exchanged like this

like it used to be,

in poetry and words and love with thought instead on moments turned stale

and our words hashed out caught in fights already fought – we repeat and defeat ourselves.

damn – why do i do this – write to just write with no end in sight cause I fight in my night in my thoughts

from darkness to light – while drunk and wondering if I’ve thunk to hard on everything – or maybe not enough

or somewhere in between… I just want to love – love her or someone like a queen and then I could be a king

and sing songs like no one ever knew before.

Mad world

I is listening to mad world by gary jules.

So… this is a topic i’ve wanted to rant on for a while now… you know what i hate? IS THE APPEARANCE OF THINGS. Nothing is what it seems. Especially in society. Society tells us imagine is everything. When its not. Its only the beginning. More often than not the image of a man represents very little. As our appearances are more often than not, very deceiving,

Seemingly georgeous people can be the most vain and cruel, shallow people with no depth – ass holes of life.

then the not so pretty, even ugly people of the world – have the most beautiful spirits in life – they are the ones worth knowing.

Even then… beauty has nothing to do with imagin…

yet a beautiful image can get someone anything… in life.

IF IS A FACT. BEAUTIFUL GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

and those who are not – are less likely to be noticed and have a harder time in life. In every aspect.

Right from the time we a born. People slot us into categories based on looks.

Those with looks get more friends, date more, have more sex, get the better jobs and go further in life

those without looks – get over looked and looked down and hated on and cheated in life – we want to surround ourselves with beautiful people.

Those with looks get away with more – they are less likely to be told what to do, or corrected, no one wants to look stupid in front of a beautiful girl or a hot guy. Even in the work place or school – they are treated more gently and kindly than the average or the ugly… the average and the ugly can become, easily, outcasts.

The average and ugly and even simply different are more often than not turned away, turned down. They are excluded and kept at bay, made fun of and misunderstood… judged harshly in life,.

and its all because of society and the mentality it feeds us…. that we are nothing unless we are beautiful.. outwardly… but beauty is more than a look or a style or clothes… its in our hearts, the way we think and talk. the way we treat people. that is where true beauty exists. IN CHARACTER… in the way we treat people… not the way we expect people to treat us, cause we think we’re good looking…

even i am guilty, and i know many who read this… are… guilty of being nicer to someone with looks than someone without, helping someone who is hot, than someone who is not… getting to know the prettier person faster than the not so good looking person…

and sometimes it just turns out to be a waste of time… the prettier the girl the guy / the more pride in their hearts – everythings been given to them and they think highly of themselves and expect everything… they become shallow and not worth knowing cause unless they get treated like gold – they treat people like shit.

Where the rest treat people like Gold hoping to get noticed and not treated like shit.

….

lots i COULD  say about this but this is just … the gist of a train of thought that really pisses me off… think about it… and to look a little deeper than just the way we look and dress… look at how people talk and  act, what they think about- that is the truth of a person…

Random thought time

Everything in the end comes down to Justin.

If I am having an awesome day – I think of God and Justin and think good thoughts. Like I’m doing it.

When I have a shitty day and everything sucks – I think of Justin and miss him greatly. Life hurts all the more.

I don’t know. Death,  a close family death – never ever could imagine what it would be like

always used to try and here it is. And I am like – on good days – its hard to think he’s actually gone. Like he never was.

Then on bad days – I hate the whole world and everyone in it – tell myself life is unfair and scream for Justin to come back.

But all the yelling in the world wont bring him back – neither will all the positive thoughts I have.

I can only change my life.

those around me

not his.

not anymore.

…………………

 

We walked to where Justin was found. Down from the tarzan swimming hole. The river has gone down lots in the past four months. There was just a tiny sand bar where his body washed up. Now its hude, like a small beach. I looked for the flowers that were placed there shortly after he was found. They were gone. I had a moment, heard Justin encourage me some. Told me I was doing it…. what ever it … is… living life i guess. Trying… i guess…

………….

 

I don’t know how to feel… what to feel… i mean i know how i feel always… I know I love. I know I have love., For her. Just the conflict of where to keep that love. How to show it. I cannot deny she is the closest thing I’ve had to a best friend in a long time…. and then the unusual circumstances of how we came together and now… all we’ve been through together – now living together but not together… yeah day in and day out im sad – and happy. sad we are not together- happy she is close by… sad that she doesn’t have more in life – happy she is trying her best – and proud of her too… but still… is it… am i… enough to keep her on her feet… or will she fall apart… and do as she pleases… and if she does… what can I honestly do in the end… cept watch her walk away,…

……

I really… want to say  i hate life… but i dont… its just really fucking tough…

 

The Battle

The battle continues and this time light takes the round. I can feel it pulsating through my skin and in my heart. The light and love of God calling me again…. and its good and welcoming and I want it but at the same time its all a pain in the ass and I don’t want it and want to fight my own way through this messed up world.

No one needs to know I am a Christian, no one needs to know my story… It just complicated relationships and how people view you and what not. Who needs that bothersome crap….

Life feels simplier when just giving into the flesh. Its straight forward and no confusion or conviction over right or wrong. I’d say this is perfectly fine but it takes a lot to lie to yourself and to run from Conviction. I’ve been running for some time again. Content for the most part. But now lately the tension of life asserts in my heart that I am unhappy… and again question how happy could I make myself following God.

Its all a lot of effort its all a lot of effort… a lot of effort… my head is a mess and I am actually sober right now. I am not stoned but probably will work towards getting some weed eventually. I wont be able to sleep other wise… and my head ache will get worse…..

I don’t to die in darkness… and I don’t want to fight in the light…

I’m half dead in some grey area

I’m half alive in some grey area.

A cold September 1st

It’s made my day to simply talk to you

Knowing you’re smiling with a friend

No need to worry and wondering what to do

Just let you be free and hope you see

Life in a beautiful way once in awhile

And remember to smile and be a kid.

You’re pretty damn awesome –

I know you know this.

 

1:27 am September 1st

 

Listen to the slower tunes to tonight

Its odd – i know I’m happy and had a good day

For the most part

And yet it’s like I’m still sort of sad

Like I could be happier

But then I’d maybe be hoping for too much

Need to stay in touch with what is possible

And real and remember to not feel

Every subtle vibration of something wrong

Now is the time to be strong and fight

Light the way for those lost wandering in the dark

Spark some hearts to life with the light I myself

Put away on a dark self and can’t help that I too

Am scared of what I may do – if I don’t choose

To lose my attitude and come back to life

Come back to the light and righteously fight.

 

But… it’s a hard fight to wage

And I procrastinate too much.

 

1:31