Feb 15th

smoking all my smokes way to fast –

thinking nervous thoughts has me pacing

and talking out loud to myself…

hearts pounding kind of fast

trying to figure everything out

telling me everything will be okay.

Still the unsettling sickness

caused by everything that hurts.

 

 

Breaking down

This post was a long time coming. It’s going to be all over the place – this is a brain drain – I am upset – It’s been weeks since I’ve journaled – no its been a few months… and now its all adding up more than it already was – and now its too much – I have to get some stuff off my mind – or at least write about it – to some degree even off the stress in my head.

 

First of all of all things I have this relationship that ended going around in my head- the kind that said it had it had to end but also the kind with a best friend where – feelings linger and its not quite as over as … one thinks it is… so theres that and then just having to pay rent alone again – on a shit job that gives me part times hours at minimum wage –

I miss my brother and my son more than anything ever –

then I get evicted randomly – and there are worse people in the building that me… its so no fair….

What am I doing here? How did  I get here? Another year gone by and I am still doing nothing…

I got my learners… which is cool but set against it all its like… whoop de fucking do –

and the only reason why i thik ill stay is cause I have that and my dad will pay for drivers school – and yeah –

Other wise I’d take  up these offers from good friends back home and live/work with them – making good cash – but life for me now is more than just good friends and cash  – its family and a sense of purpose – its learning about life – how to make it on my own…

I  am almost 26 i need to find something more than  shit jobs and repetition of relationships gone bad –

okay what matters in life?

My son is number one priority.

my family is next – then of that it just makes more sense I AM WITH my son…

I have some offeres from friends to come back home, and they are good once – but certain aspects of life simply dont hinge on money and friends …

I need to stop this bullshit and be motivated enough to put my talent and smarts work for me….

all in all life sucks and it hurts and that’s all I have to say in the short end of it… I am far to stoned and buzzed to write more…

Life will turn around again….