A bit annoyed

So, anyone who has used face book or tumblr or any social media site – for a short while can see that it’s full of depressed and or suicidal people. Every day I scroll through tons of status and pictures of sad stuff like scars, and statements about suicide and death; and it’s actually is getting really irritating for me to see. It irks me and gets under my skin. I can feel myself get physically annoyed with this.

No, not because depressed people annoy me, or because I am unfeeling or don’t care. I am not hard hearted and think little of those suffering or those with problems or those who are crying out and letting the world know in some small way that they hurt. People hurt. I get that. I get that very well.

People love posting about it but I don’t re blog much to do with cutting or suicide or anything like that. Probably cause I am not suicidal anymore.  Which is to mean at one time I was. I have scars all over my arms, and deep ones too, I have over 200 some scars on both my arms, top and bottom. I’ve been stitched up and sent to emergency twice, I have been committed to a psyche ward twice. I’ve been through countless counselling sessions most my life and I’ve been medicated.

I know what it’s like to hurt and feel like an outcast. One of the incidents that landed me in the psyche ward the first time was when I covered the local school in blood. I smeared every window with my own blood from my cuts and wrote shit like “you’re all gonna die and burn in hell” – In short, I traumatized a town.

I was distressed, detached, alone, and mostly ‘cause I had a very hard childhood and couldn’t relate to anyone. My mother and father were 16 when I was born, they were drunks and I was put in an abusive foster home. I was treated like an animal, lock in a large sandbox most the day, my foster parents built a 6 foot gate around the sandbox.  I was fed there, had to piss and even shit at times there – freezing cold or boiling hot I spent most my time in that sand box.

I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and was told I’d never fit into society. Yet since then have managed to go to University and started to pursue my dream of being a writer. I have since realized that despite all the shit I’ve been through and despite how broken I was – I can be somebody, I can have a purpose and I can be important to people – because I can relate to them.

Everything in life happens for reason, all the pain and hurt and strife and bullshit – it all adds up to something better somehow but you have to hang in there! If you want to know the “hows” and “whys” of this life – YOU MUST LIVE and wait and see what is to come.

I know some people go through really bad shit and wonder what good it will do well I simply say this: Consider bad things in life like a “level up” you just reached a harder difficulty. You are about to learn new skills and get an upgrade in “gear” as you are about to face even tougher battles yet- as that is life. So get a grip and realize in the midst of chaos that is your life – you are doing just fine – you are where you need to be – and if you keep living you will only stronger and wiser and better – for yourself and for others around you – and that is always of value to those of us who also need a hand in finding the path back to life.

Yes you will get stronger and yet life will get harder too at times, but as it gets harder one does acquire the skills to cope; like when my little brother died in a tragic accident 1 year and 8 months ago, he was only 21 and fell from a bridge drunk, into a river and died. I was initially very shocked and depressed, it hurt immensely but depression by then was nothing new, though at first it was hard, I can say I am over it; and with that also say I know what it’s like to lose very close loved ones as my little brother was dearly loved. I still have not given up living.

Life as it is now, it’s nothing special I am not actually happy with my life or myself but I know how to manage that now, I know that things are not as bad as they have been and therefore can only get better. Sure I could whine and complain about my life and all the little issues I have and things that bother me – and you know what – from time to time I do complain but still life goes on.

So please, don’t cut yourself, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF, do not degrade yourself, keep your head up, keep on going, keep living! Because one day you will reach a point where you have grown up, and realize how small everything really was – because of how far you’ve come – how tough you’ve become, how wise you’ve become to life and handling its issues, big and small and everything in- between.

Yes – keep living, keep struggling, keep learning, keep growing, keep making efforts – and life will get better, you will get better and people around you will benefit from it. Trust me, I am old enough to know this, as I have lived it – and that is why I am annoyed by people posting about depression and suicide – in the end (if you don’t kill yourself)  we grow older and wiser and life does get better, if we try.  

If you need a good listening ear, someone to talk to or vent to or someone to understand you, I can lend you mine and offer what advice I can without judgment. I don’t mind talking to people about their junk and offering what insight I can. I rather enjoy it actually. So if you feel you are alone and need someone to simply talk to, I can be that person – and again remember I have the scars that prove I understand what you are going through.

Cheers.

Ron Bergquist.

Feb 6th 2013

 

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