Since birth I’ve been cursed,
Infused with this anger,
Like it was spliced to me,
Strangling me, disallowing me to be free,
Tormented by demons, I’ve seen them;
I was young; it looked like mum,
Severed head floating next to my bed;
It exited my bed side into my closet,
I’ll never forget it.
Beaten and abused,
People wonder why I’m morbid;
Stepped on and used;
Unappreciated – I reached out and was hated;
“you just want attention they all said”
That all changed when they saw me almost dead.
Psyche ward stays;
I was so lost,
Nothing made sense;
What does life cost?
This confusion is dense;
Then out of the darkness that was I;
The darkness told me I could be,
An angel of death riding as one of the best;
A horseman of the apocalypse;
Bringing pestilence, destruction and death;
To me that made sense;
Very soon I had nothing left.
I was alone and lost, my world cold as frost
I was numb and dumb to it all;
And there God watched, waited for my fall,
And I fell and I yelled and I cried out,
And as I shouted, He spoke and broke
Through and told me what was true;
And since have been
Fighting a war unseen.
I could be an angel of light
And fight for everything right;
And true and good and let every man know he’s understood;
But yet I place my bet; that people are stupid
And I’m too intrepid to best the less
And teach them, preach to them;
Cause I’m a little dated,
And no one wants to be hated.
I have a million dreams and every one of them seems
Just out of reach, but if I believe what I preach.
Life will get better and improve;
We can make the best of what we’ve been through;
And when I’m trough I’m gonna be the dude who’s
Lifting you – sky high making you believe you can fly
For I got a testimony that can make anyone believe
They were born with a destiny;
I love how I can talk to you
with out words;
when were together
or even far apart.
We don’t need to hear each others voices,
some times glances are enough,
or the way we communicate messages
with pictures and poems,
April 22nd 2013
I see the old me in you now
And history repeat its self;
It is only a matter of time.
You are my lost child
I am the pied piper.
You play along to what I play
This is my game
And I am planning that you will lose.
Not here, not now, not by your rules,
Geniuses take time; unlike brash fools.
You made this personal.
Vendetta – I am going to follow through,
Just as you will fall through,
The tables will turn;
My turn for all I desire will be burned
Into your heart;
As I light a spark to burn everything
You love to make you fall apart.
9:55 pm April 17th 2013-04-17
No my friend,
this isn’t love.
We have lost ourselves to control;
subtle abusive behaviours,
we have become accustomed too.
Ignoring each other reaching out
today; wont make us better friends tomorrow.
Can we salvage ourselves to save us from sorrow?
a fiend for happiness;
push back the demons, outside voices,
that only wish to indulge themselves
on our time.
April 17th 2013, 8pm
im fucking screaming at my computer blasting manson and screaming like a mad man – Im gonna fucking do it – im gonna fuck do it. You’re building the tension in me… I can feel the excitement I want to do it so baaaaaddddddddd…. it will feel sooooo goooooodddddd… you’re waking up the demons. please make them stronger – you’re feeding them – they make me stronger… yes stir up my insanity i’ve been trying to tame – yes pull out the anger I’ve been trying to hide – yes undue all the training to fit into society – yes take away the gain from anger management – yesssss….. i feel you – you’re right here – bloodied beneath my fists. You said I don’t know what im getting myself into – you’re dead fucking wrong bucko – you dont know what you’re getting into.
And in the fury that it came
It went the same way out.
Breathed you in, in an instant
And was addicted to something more
A little sly and quiet
I really liked that.
Things turned devious and treacherous
Laying the weak foundation beneath us
And even though we promised and once
Said we’re best friends till the end –
Here we are numb to each other and
No longer caring.
April 15th 2013
I dont even know where to begin… everything is so fucked up so fast and its not like this is what i wanted or inteded – infact the exact opposite – but i guess i got carried away- i do that. I get ahead of myself and try to hard … I forget to take my time and just wait and see how things go but nooo… I gota be me and do things the way I do and pay for it – i hate that side of myself. but yeah…
I just wanted to get her back, like win her back and show her that i have changed and im better than her b.f but all i did was upset her more and make her sad – then her bf has to threaten me and try to be a tough guy and controll the situation by saying that im not ever allowed to speak to her like ever again… like come on buddy get real. Ill leave her alone as SHE requested, knowing she’ll come around again down the road… we both will, We will eventually be friends, and just friends and who knows. Life is strange. Anything can happen…
I am most upset that she said she simply doesn’t care, like you can just turn off feelings and emotions. I can understand that i’ve worn her out and shes numb – i kinda am too… im just like… theres no point anymore… right now.. this isn’t fun or healthy or anything… its just stupid and pointless and annoying and immature and just drama – so fuck it… just leave it alone… let life work its self out… i dont know why i tried so hard these past 2 weeks… oh well… it was all too much too late… now not only do i not have a gf but maybe even lost my friend… again?
Everything else is going well, well except my son having one kidney that is kind of weird… I dont know , i just need some time and space from her too now it feels… best… and maybe see how life changes this summer…