How to attack this? This will be fun. Here’s the ever watchful, observant, thoughtful writer, with a need to write, with a need tosay something.
So I’m a fucked up human being. I will say that now. I don’t deny this. But I am dealing with it. That said, I am also a very understanding and awesome human being… just sometimes some people bring out the worst in me.
So here I am, in counselling, finished 10 weeks already,eleven more weeks to go. It gets more intense from here. We go from just trying to share to HAVING TO SHARE – oh by the way I’m in a men’s therapy group where we openly share our thoughts and ideas and feelings.
Fucked up right?
I hate it – yet I like it.
*Excuse me I’m drunk, you’ll follow as I find the words too word this. Not that you would know unless I told you. [perception]
So there I am, a star, a master at talking with an extensive vocabulary and a guy who’s willing to share his feelings – I do well. I don’t miss a class… perfect.
Except. Every meeting gives me nightmares – forces me to face myself. I am forced to see myself as damaged and needing help. AND OTHERWISE–there is no help and I am judged. Which is perfect cause that’ s all they ever tell you “oh we know you’re human we don’t judge you” …
I’ve been drinking more since this course started …. all I want to do is forget. I don’t want to remember this shit. I Don’t want to think about her. I want to move on.
So let’s go back. I finish eleven weeks of this shit that I’m well complimented on, I’m a real out there guy, who’s honest, participates well and blah blah blah blah… they love me… so fucking what?
I hate this. So tonight is the intake for the next session. Okay…okay like WHY THE FUCK ARE WE DOING AN INTAKE?
OK SO YOU MEAN? Getting charged, arrested, put in jail and on probation wasn’t enough? It wasn’t enough to make me take 21 weeks of counselling?NOW YOU’RE MAKING ME TAKE A STUPID INTAKE SESSION JUST TO DO PRESCRIBED COUNSELLING?
So this shit undoes me, these meetings… I mean i get it, I’m learning I’m growing but its hard… its hard to do this shit… it really is,and go on and think it isn’t – if you’ve never done it – but its tough… so ..I’m all tense and shit all the time, I don’t want to share if i don’t have to… but still… I’m the one that has to try… so i do share and i do letgo… eventually…
Here’s tonight now. I’m in this office finally, with the lady doing my intake. She asks me my name, tells me about the questions she’sabout to ask then starts. Immediately I’m uncomfortable just like I knew Iwould be… It’s all shit like – when you’re mad do you hit or throw things? And inside I’m like … doesn’t everyone ? do you? Have you? But i hold it back andgo “yes, yes i have – “ trying to hold back the urge to tell her how awfullyviolent I’ve been growing up- LIKE I ALWAYS DO WHEN THIS SHIT HAPPENS.. so… anyway. It only gets worse, more personal… She asks me have I ever been depressed? And tells me she asks me; she asks this cause she says statistics saythat men who hit things are depressed.
So I look at her and laugh. I literally laugh. I chuckle. Ilet it go. I say. “I’ve been depressed, I’ve been violent, I break shit and get angrily easily, I’ve been in a psyche ward twice, I have scars from my wrist to my shoulder on both arms and all over my body from self mutilation when I was depressed- I covered an entire school in blood, traumatized a town”
Then I look up from the floor from which I’m talking to –and see her… FLUSTERED RED FACE – shocked to shit – scared – uncomfortable,unsure how to continue.
She starts … to stumble… says… I only asked if you ever been depressed… I said … well …( I thought about it all in a heartbeat – how tired I am of hiding what I AM what I’VE DONE, so I tell her) I’m tired of people asking me this shit –either you know it all from my point of view or you don’t know it at all. Ill hide it if I have to – and I can. And I have.
She simply said – well since you said that – I have to askyou this whole new set of questions – which were even more person and invasive…
It amuses me – cause … i hated every second… walked away mad upset and feeling like shit… like a shit human being… like always…and then… the twitching and anger… im telling myself shake it off… and cant…i cant stop thinking about it… about society… about how stupid it is, about how fucked up it all is…
I laugh… I LAUGH HARD… CAUSE it hits me…
I scared that woman.
I saw it on her face.
She was frightened.
She didn’t know what to think.
And she was the one in control of the questions.
I SIMPLY ANSWERED HONESTLY…
And I undid her.
Like the course undoes me.
I laughed so hard, [the demons laughed in me]
(they had fun with her)
Fuck society – how dare you think you can help me.
Then be so shocked when you get the truth you ask for;
The truth you ask for – but pray to God you never hear.
Hehehehe… It’s funny… I CAN teach them all every thing and
Help them or I can hide in this… I can enlighten, or frighten.
Do I choose darkness?
Or the light?
Do I scare them?
Oh I will scare them that can’t be helped…
I guess I should play nice and go along with it and smileand nod and say
“yes I’m healed”
Ahhh… It’s all bullshit and in the end society means well –people mean well they do – they do – BUT they are just normal fucking people with regular fucking jobs – and then they meet people like me – who are fucked up – BUT challenge them to shit – to pieces– i make them see their job is insufficient and pointless – they know shit. And they know it.
I’d make a better counsellor than any of them,
Because I lived it –
And one day I will do it.
And write my books and embarrass these schooled fucks byname.
No… people mean well but you tell them the truth and they are just like me and you – scared, weak, easily frightened, safe inside their box – but if you break that box – oh ? what are we then?
I see it all way outside the box. Yes Ill meet your expectations and more –
Cause I’m smart enough to know what you want –
Fuck you society. Fuck you cops, fuck you counsellors – you suck at your jobs.
You’re a bunch of well meaning people either pretending to do your job or earnestly but ignorantly doing your job – and its fucking annoying.
Just another real moment brought to you by;
If I can unnerve, offend or upset you – I probably don’treally like you.
I’m tired of hiding in what i am – who i am , what im goingthrough, being silent… this is my release my vacation. Enjoy. 😉