Thinking of Justin

Okay I got to rip right into this, and use my best to bring out something I want to say about my brother Justin. Two years ago today he died, tragic accident and it was alcohol inflicted. I can’t imagine how scary the last moments of my brothers life must of been. I used to stand at the spot where he fell and cry my fucking eyes out, screaming at God at the top of my lungs  on that bridge, in Gold River, screaming Justin’s name so hard – hoping it would somehow bring Justin back. Cursing God;  and how could He do this after all we’ve been through  I was devastated… I’d lay there at the side of the road in the middle of the night, after having screamed my lungs out and just bawl… Just lay there and cry. The first year was hard and so tough I couldn’t bear to write anything about it last year, it was too painful… and I was too drunk… 

 

I have grown this past year and in all of this have realized my strength as a person as I have not let this destroy me. I know this– Justin’s death – after all the hardship already, only makes me stronger. I am only sad when I take the time to pause and think on it – although sometimes I just suddenly think of Justin or someone says something about him and it just triggers me and I feel those overwhelming feelings of loss… of death.

 

I know Justin is in heaven, or I feel at least he better be there… if he’s not I don’t know what I’d believe, or think or feel… I think life would be absolutely meaningless if I couldn’t ever see him again. NEVER SEEING HIM AGAIN, that thought destroys me, would destroy my entire universe and faith. I pray with all my heart that he is in heaven, that he made it there, that God had mercy on him and no matter those last seconds, no matter what happened to Justin or what he was thinking – God had mercy and took him home…

 

I have to believe that God and Justin are giving me strength and saying that there is purpose here, there is purpose in his death. It can be used and once utilized correctly, can and will change lives, history  our story once told, will change lives, change destiny’s of lost people … because of the understanding of loss, pain and hurt, abandonment, most importantly, misunderstanding … and more…

 

Justin was a very strong man, and no, not just physically  but to speak metaphorically; his heart was so big, he just loved people  And the weirdest thing was … was that he had no reason to be. After the way we grew up, I was pretty cold, Wayne was well… Wayne… and Justin was Justin, we all had F.A.S , and Justin had it the worse. My little brother was handicapped by alcohol during pregnancy ‘cause my mom was still a teen when he was born, she was only 16 when I was born, my dad was 17, by the time she was 20, there was me Wayne and Justin on the scene.

 

Still somehow Justin’s personality shone through this-disability almost to a fault where people often didn’t realize he struggled with such conditions, which eventually lead to schizophrenia when he drank.Justin would become a totally different person, and would often not remember it.

 

I, in ways am very upset with people who didn’t understand this about him and would cause him too, or let him get blasted drunk. I knew about this in his last years, from my dad observing him when he drank, and sawit for myself… I knew not to let him drink too much hard bar, ‘cause when hedid, he wasn’t Justin and I remember that, one year after he turned 18. He came home to Alberta and I saw him drunk for the first time. I couldn’t believe it,and told him he wasn’t him any more and that he had changed so much I wonder where my little brother went. I was drunk too and I guess I said some pretty heavy shit and Justin ended up crying.

 

I remember telling him that I was sorry and I just knew that he was better than this, and that knowing where booze and pot took me, I did not want him to go there – ‘cause it be worse for him than for me. I must admit I am something of a borderline alcoholic.I have a high tolerance to booze, I drink often, and sometimes for long periods  I have in the past drank 12 days in a row, so 2 or three days in a row is nothing. I can also go without booze, it’s not like I am dependant on it,but I do enjoy it. I write a lot drunk, like now, I talk a lot drunk and it’s scary that I do it so well… being able to have a mind that can handle drugs and booze at the level I do sometimes frightens me – cause no one will ever say you have a problem till they see you unable to function normally. As is like ruining relationships or losing jobs… which I have done in the past I guess,in small ways… but so far nothing detrimental, but then again maybe, then again  it is something that is affecting me, or at least slowing me down…

 

I already procrastinate enough and booze, pot, other drugs only makes me do it more. I want to be sober and pray more and make something of my life, of my past, of my story. I know that if I believe in myself  and believe in my words I can and will change people’s lives. Just like Justin did – he still inspires me, and all who knew him well.

 

Justin was truly an amazing person, I do hope people realize that – I hope people know what he was made of and what he had been through already – and if they do, if you know – I have respect for you, But to all those who didn’t understand him, to all those that used or played him or stole from him or made fun of him… Well, you will get yours, as you are treated the same as you treat people. My brother never deserved any more wrong than what the booze already did to him as a fetus – never mind the hardships after he was born… I don’t know what Justin told people about his life actually .. but I do know everyone loved him – even if he didn’t love everyone.He just said – he knew everyone needed a friend, and he was willing to be therefore you, cause of what he’d been through and knew, no matter what you go through, everyone needs a friend.

 

I know with all my heart that is what Justin taught me.Everyone needs a friend. And it’s hard for me to do that, cause I’m picky about who I let be my friend, yet there are a lot of hurt and broken people who could now use a friend like me, a friend like Justin taught me to be… that is his greatest lesson, just reach out – be there for someone – even if you don’t like them  😉 cause in the end when You’re dead, NO ONE can say anything bad about you – and you shall be immortalized in peoples thoughts, hopes, dreams and inspirations.

 

 So today has gone from being a day of remembering the death, an anniversary of death – to being a day of celebration of one’s life – of Justin’s life. I am proud of my little brother  very proud to have known him and very satisfied that he simply lived.

 

THANK YOU, to all of you who have remembered him, and will remember him.

Thank you for reading this.

 

Ron Bergquist

May 13th2013

 

 

 

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