A different level

A Different Level

 

You know?

No you don’t know.

I’ve never bothered to show you,

I’ve never bothered to tell you,

And unless I did you’d never know.

 

And since you’d never know you’d

Never truly understand

What it is that has come to make me, me.

If I never told you’d,

you’d never  know my little bro

Is dead.

You’d never know that we suffered together,

starved together through wintery rainy storms locked in a sandbox like animals.

You’d not know that I’ve been through 5 different families

Fought my way through the system,

Through abusive foster care,

That abused us in every way possible.

No, you’d never know.

 

You’d only ever see my scars,

The scars left after my wars –

and judge me.

Lost in yourself righteous hate of someone different

Someone on another level,

Call me names like weird and creepy,

You don’t see me!

 

I’ve hidden myself behind layers of hardened toughness

Doled out by life and its knack of hurting pressure,

Yes I’ve become hard and indifferent,

Mastered my forte of a dethatched human being.

 

All because I’m tired of morons

Who can’t see shit in front of their faces

Even if I did tell you – you’d still judge me,

Cause you’re ignorant,

You’re self centered and spoiled,

(Furthermore you’re unintelligent)

You’ve never experienced anything like I have,

But I don’t let that slow me down in the end,

When it comes to me being your friend,

Because of the many bitter ends

I’ve endured.

 

 

I’ve become the understanding one,

The one who people come to when they need to talk,

Because I can sense the ways in which they are hurting,

I can see,

 

Because I’ve spent hours of days of years,

Just watching people;

Looking for that sad smile,

Like mine

Or they way they hold their eyes;

Their body language,

I’m the guy who can tell you your life;

When you walk into a room,

I see it,

I see you.

 

But I don’t care anymore

Cause everyone is ignorant

self centered ,

And caught up in some lame popularity contest of coolness

None of that matters to me.

 

The ones who do catch my attention

Have something different to offer than judgments, criticisms,

Rather something more of the heart,

Understanding of each other,

Sought in intelligible conversation!

 

If you can’t do this,

Then you’ll never know me.

You’ll always see me at level one,

Covered in scars –

Just trying to blend in;

If you can’t get passed that,

Then I don’t want to know you;

And,

You’ll never know me.

 

Ron berquist

August 16th 2013

5:33 pm

 

 

skeletal remain part 1 – part one of my best.

Skeletal Remains

 

Closing on a line that separates two dimensions;

Like the glass of a mirror – [that’s merely an illusion]

To say, what if one could draw closer towards him or herself?

Like one would when leaning in toward a reflection.                           

[What if we walked toward each other?]

No mirror though. No, just a junction –

Appearing and breaking – through panes of

Souls.  We’ve dared to contemplate the stirring

[Darkness] We sometimes find [Hidden and buried]

Trapped in me and you. [Reflected in each others

Eyes]

 

[It’s][ Manfest[ed]ing into a reality – [What should be

Spoken] breaking through [pin pricked holes] thoughts

Bursting – pulsing – Affecting will – confusing emotions.               

Simple Thoughts destroy worlds inside of worlds;

[Inward implosions]

Kill families and friends – while at the same time,

[Destruction – self reflection – sometimes]

Holds the power to turn nobodies – [a never meant to be]

Into heroes that could change the world.

But only – ever – if – the inexplicable and unthinkable

Were dared to be challenged – the path – at length, walked –

Through – to the end. [Step into the void of programmed lies]

Fight the notion that this is the way it’s meant to be.

 

Bend on that line – lean forward now – push into it.

[Into yourself or another] Nostalgic relapses – misfiring synapses –

[Convulsing involuntarily – a crack[ed] reality]

Folding one’s being inwards and melding into a singularity;

Emerging on the other side of what may be truth.

[Closer to death]

 

We may find ourselves staring into state(s)

We’ve tried to convince ourselves – never existed.

Catastrophic annihilation of the self may result.

If we [Choose to] struggle to accept that in each of us exists

A gateway to another realm in which our own truths

Are founded – or for others it will mean isolation

In the most secluded and empty ways of existing.

They might as well be dead – They are the walking dead –

 

In them – many crossroads intertwine at – that line.

Stunned and silenced by the flickering facets [Static]

[Like staring through a diamond]

Standing [still] in time – pause. [This will become a grave]

[What choice] Analyzed and malfunctioning.

Stopped by chance and excess of choice. [Lack of example]

Killed by love. The kind that should have cared

To exemplify what that word means. Love exampled

Immorality – [Every wicked thing] Examples of what love is not.

Remains etched into flesh and soul – [some]

While knowing what is not – may never come to understand what is.

[Love]

 

 

[Enter]

A confusing [misunderstood] state. [Heart] – Between – [Mind].

Added to the equation of improbability and desperation.

[More often than not – resulting in self told lies]

Me – Between – You – Between – Me between another

Between you. – And back again – [Where we are going

Is not relevant until we understand where we’ve been]

 

Yesterdays minutes – [a mysterious realm] 

Where more often than not – truth is hidden.

Wrapped in lies. Lies equalling truth.

New truth. Y[our] truth. Swallow truth.

Force feed truth / and we phase into those days / haze.

Days filled with hours of bickering between – loved ones –

The – outsiders looking – listening in – [from another world]

Programmed. Day by day – Too Hate. Too destroy. Too – shut – off.

 

And in that reality – of the past – splayed bright red

Against the white of spirit. – Anger kicking into intoxicating

Level’s. Malfunctioning rationality and — spat out of that plane.

Enter/Now/Here/Today – Gripping in hand a piece of an answer.

Written on tissue paper.

Most of us don’t choose to give up our purity.

We’re forced into submission and painted black.

[Tossed into the world]

 

Today – Revert back to reminders forgotten – rage-

[Good days were days when no new scars appeared]

As our desires to be loved overcome our passions

To stand out. – [Pits us against one another]

 

Still between me and you and here and there –

No distance has closed and though we are moving

We’re standing still. [Even good days are bad days]

The days we’ve thought we’ve loved – can be chalked

Up to fantasy – brevity of the self – convincing the soul

Of plausible desires that could come to be – and save.

Revive. Resuscitate. Pull each other through – to the other

Side and come back to a plane where the only direction

[and thought]

Is forward.

[is hope]

 

Nov 6th 2010

 

 

“and i fall into a hole, and i cannot take any more”

I give my apologies for simply being me

Then I think that’s kind of silly

To say sorry for just being free,

Living and talking and acting how I am

Like sometimes I really don’t give a damn;

The line blurs between insanity,

I want to be heard, simply;

I forget about the gist of humanity

My plight becomes all I see

I fall into anger and darkness

Rationality flees me as I try to harness sanity.

 

Why am I me why am I the way I am?

I see myself reflected back and the facts

Of who I am hit me in the face

A displaced slap of my own desire

Coming back and hitting me like fire,

Burning me with cold heat

Of the victory I had to defeat

Unintentionally, beaten all I love to death,

No rest, no breath, just this test,

Of figuring out what to feel and think

For who and why – again, here comes the brink!

 

“and i fall into a hole and I cannot take any more”

*”infected mushroom – infront of me”*

Ron bergquist

August 11th 2013

11:15 pm  

 

 

 

Double Take

Talk to me, walk with me, and meet me.

Freeing you frees me and together we see

Each other – others sights sets frights

In you – and me – stops you from seeing me and we

Will never have anything – when all we want is something.

Something- is better than nothing and can be everything;

If we forget people will judge our every move,

And often misunderstand what can happen

Between a young man and woman.

Love is possible in the impossible;

If only you dare to make the moves to not be lonely

Then what is- doesn’t matter and the latter is possible.

Romances die too quick – start and stop with glances

And chances taken – shaken by words of the outer world

Curls hopes and desires and cools embers for fires.

Desires crushed without even a taste of lust.

Even lust a must to feel something more than cold,

Before we’ve faded, grown old without the embrace of another.

Together; freedom and justification to enjoy youth;

And let what may come, come and let it be as is meant to be.

Maybe we’ll never be anything more than friends that pretend

To be lovers; quenching the thirst of the other who can’t

Recant words heard between gossiping lips painted red.

Dead; affections drop like leaves from limbs of trees,

Brown and withered where there should be green – is this obscene?

This joy, this passion, these trespasses that last us

Forever; and yet never…  more than a night.

You’re the wind in my kite and I can’t take flight without

Doubting; are we’re wrong? Yet, together making strong

The bond that shouldn’t be – the bond

That frees you and me.

Ron Bergquist

12:57 November 24th 2011