its time to write again

There was a time I just wrote and shared. I had a goal to simply be real and honest. All the time. I never cared what people thought and I never cared if anyone hated, I only smiled when people said “awesome!” and that is what I did. I wrote uncaringly, and carefully to make a reasonable point out of what ever I was saying. I shared some intense poetry, stuff just off the top of my head, or even the deep dark shit that i over thought. posted it all on a whim. and did not care. Now Im afraid to make a status. I feel so… trapped again. like I can no longer simply say what it is that comes to mind first. I suppose this is part growing up and yet… its part societies reflection, in me of how we can be to judge mental and wall people up. without even knowing it.

 

I stopped posting and I miss it because I used to make people think. that was the other reason i posted my stuff. to see what thoughts would spark in the soul of another. What would they have to say about what i wrote. I always wondered that and posted freely and at one time gained huge feed back. Now i feel i can hardly utter anything and if i do it goes un noticed. Its an odd feeling to wonder where the reason went or what the reason is for this. I feel as a writer, as a person who thinks alot, i should write and share my thoughts. and I did and still do in ways, but not so openly any more… like ive become shy to let people know where i stand in life… i was once too pissed off to care about how others felt. but i guess as i grow up, that is changing, i do care about how others feel… and i used to over analyze that state of mind to and often dug deep into the heart and souls of what it means to have empathy, to feel anthers feelings. and reach out to them. change them.

 

i used to simply hand poems to people and would awe inspire a life change, a thought change, an action change. I made best friends because of my writing and I pissed off my worst enemies with my writing.

 

I suppose i wonder where my talent went. or maybe not my talent but rather my drive to try to reach others.

i lost my drive to try so hard, for another. Id much rather see you save yourself than have me try to explain my life yet again and why im even alive. what i live for … ect… that story, my old life stories, use to help people go on…. now my lfe, as it turns, may just be an old story, nothing more, and its time for new memories, new stories. 

 

I want to inspire people again, I want people to find the best of themselves as we converse, I want to make a difference. Its hard though, ive become so angry again. at life. After Justin died, its like all the hard work i did to overcome my already dark past was blown away – and I was set back in a deep darkness…. Justins death has forever changed me and Im struggling to find myself smiling. I am more than ever pissed of at life – and yet more than ever life finally seems to be coming together – being held together by what little faith i have left in myself and God, my friends and family… its been one hell of a hard ass trek up a mountain i already climbed once. But im not giving up.

 

I will return to my former self, better than ever. I will write brilliantly again and timing-ly so, to once again change and influence hearts, hoping people only see that life goes forward and onward. Life will leave you behind in the darkness if you let it, and there in that darkness, one can be forgotten.  

 

I suppose im tired of living in the dark. suppressing my emotions and will and desires and thoughts. I think its time I simply wrote again, and… dont over think it. I should just write again and see what comes of it, of my life, of my friends and family. Ill end with this quote “for those who mind don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind” 

 

Truly yours,

Ron Bergquist.

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Happy new year – a goodbye to last year: a rembrance of things past.

Well… happy new year… so lets see going to spit out the details chronologically but just the gist so here it is.

This Christmas was a kick back to everything retro. Just doing what I used to do and love. I got into Edmonton and went to church with my mentor. There shared in a share group. Interesting. Spent a night drinking with her and her husband. Danced and joked and told honest truths. Shared life, loved and laughed. Spent some time with my son before heading to friends. Andrews, and scott was there and as always drank with him. Laughed and played fighters. It was good.

I miss my friends back home so much. I miss Susie and her guidance. I miss church and my friends I had in church. I miss Martine… I miss being close to my son and Edmonton. My heart truly belongs there. It does. So it seems right now.

Went to the farm and met up with Sarah, hung with her a few times, she was cool. Made me realize I don’t actually love Andria, over her. I need to and want to get over her. As much as it makes me jealous that shes into Josh again. Stupid details that unraveled over my holidays. Oh well no matter, anyway right? okay. Take this is stride and go forward.

That said, the rest of my holiday consisted of some awesome days with my son. Spent a day at the water park. A few nights on the farm, went skiiing with brad. hung out at waynes and ate tongs of food.

I also got to spend Christmas eve playing kevin and alex in a game of risk, they stayed for dinner. a solid memory.

If there is anything i am disappointing in, it is that Jeff hardly talks to us, brothers…

All in all Hayden was annoying as fuck and I had a good time. though he wasnt too bad at times and yeah he kinda came out ok. buying beer and lending me a few bucks and smokes here and there… so okay for a young dude. I guess… whos a.d.d and totally off the wall. he got the best of me on the way there and the way out…

well im home now and trying to unwind and everything that was so brilliant in my head in my thoughts on the way here shall stay in my head till i ever have the time to detail all the thoughts I had when i had them… *breathes* …. so much on my mind and i am buzzed and getting drunk and just putting the gist of many frames of mind of thought down at once…

Happy new year.

I hope this following year to be the biggest and best yet. oh yess. many new things to come on all fronts. New house, new job, get my n and a car, new everything… new girl? hmm? interesting. Hahaha and oh if i move back to edmonton soon? the joys that could await there!

so stoked.

Breaking down

This post was a long time coming. It’s going to be all over the place – this is a brain drain – I am upset – It’s been weeks since I’ve journaled – no its been a few months… and now its all adding up more than it already was – and now its too much – I have to get some stuff off my mind – or at least write about it – to some degree even off the stress in my head.

 

First of all of all things I have this relationship that ended going around in my head- the kind that said it had it had to end but also the kind with a best friend where – feelings linger and its not quite as over as … one thinks it is… so theres that and then just having to pay rent alone again – on a shit job that gives me part times hours at minimum wage –

I miss my brother and my son more than anything ever –

then I get evicted randomly – and there are worse people in the building that me… its so no fair….

What am I doing here? How did  I get here? Another year gone by and I am still doing nothing…

I got my learners… which is cool but set against it all its like… whoop de fucking do –

and the only reason why i thik ill stay is cause I have that and my dad will pay for drivers school – and yeah –

Other wise I’d take  up these offers from good friends back home and live/work with them – making good cash – but life for me now is more than just good friends and cash  – its family and a sense of purpose – its learning about life – how to make it on my own…

I  am almost 26 i need to find something more than  shit jobs and repetition of relationships gone bad –

okay what matters in life?

My son is number one priority.

my family is next – then of that it just makes more sense I AM WITH my son…

I have some offeres from friends to come back home, and they are good once – but certain aspects of life simply dont hinge on money and friends …

I need to stop this bullshit and be motivated enough to put my talent and smarts work for me….

all in all life sucks and it hurts and that’s all I have to say in the short end of it… I am far to stoned and buzzed to write more…

Life will turn around again….

Annual Reflection

This Christmas is going to be one to remember. I am going to see my son for the first time in a year. It was last December this time I saw him last. So much has changed this past year. I have changed so much this past year. This time last year I was broken, hurting and coming off of drugs. I was smoking crack and throwing my life away in Edmonton. I was giving up on everything in my drug induced darkness. I came home to the farm, beginning of November 2010, determined that I had to get into a program for drug addiction. The application was sent to the wrong address and they never received it. I was certain this would help me and was the place for me. But… through a series of events it never happened and I think that was for the best. I came out to Gold River, Vancouver island B.c to visit my father and little brother for Christmas. A few days turned into a few months and one circumstance led to another which led to me getting my own place in Campbell River. Something I did not anticipate and was quite unsure about it – but now have peace over it. For it was the last time I’d get a chance to know my little brother Justin. It was the last Christmas I’d get with him, in 2010, and shortly after, the last birthday I would share of his with him – and he with mine – then in May he had his tragic accident and passed away…

So much has changed in Gold river – while remaining the same. For years I dreamed of a return to Gold river – and in a way these dreams were like nightmares that tormented me. I dreamed of the old friends I left behind, picking up where I left off with them – in high school. In my dreams I was back in school, like I was then before I left so suddenly when I was 16. I dreamed I was searching for them, Matt and Catherine in particular. Two of my best friends at that time. I missed them dearly, and still do… and though I’ve been back to the town that brought us together, I’ve not seen them at all this past year. I have not seen anyone I really knew or was close too, everyone my age and from my classes, have moved on. It’s not at all what I imagined or pictured or had hoped for – and its like I am still waiting for part of those dreams that bothered me to come to life – to become reality. I would very much love for that to be, to be reunited with old friends. Hug them and share the love I have for them still.  I believe in time, I will… I have finally come away from smoking pot. It’s been more than a month now since I’ve stopped, with no desire to smoke it again, despite being stressed out. I was drinking a lot in its place for awhile but have also greatly reduced that – as my sadness over my brothers death has lessened, though I am certainly missing him now, this time of year.

In church the other day, yesterday, I was crying my eyes out for him. Missing him – and my son, But the focus was there on my brother and how hard its going to be to not cry this year – remembering the last few Christmases we spent together. I keep seeing him in my minds eye, the Christmas of  2007, the last one we all spent together as a family together – he handed out the gifts, a tradition that passed down from my dad, through the brothers, and finally, Justin being the youngest, it was now his turn. He wore the Santa had and joyfully passed out gifts and smiled his big smile. I wish I had some pictures of that year now…

Yes Justin will be so missed, but not forgotten and I hope the family feels as I feel, to pay a moment of respect to him, to remember him – to talk about him and share a memory of him. So he will be with us – and yes I am sue I will cry and the family will mourn, but it will be in happiness and in love of him. We miss him so much. I love you my dear brother Justin. Rest well in heaven, along side God and all the angels this Christmas, may it be an amazing Christmas for you too, with he Father in heaven.

We rarely see tragedies coming… I remember in 2007 how I spoke to the family, stood up in front of them and played the little drummer boy, talked about God and how I saw God working in our family. I stated it was Miracle that we were all still alive and still together, a family so big. We were blessed. And it was true, we were blessed as many families experience the loss of loved ones, all too soon sometimes. Now Justin is Gone, he is passed on… because he chose to drink. Simply put – alcohol killed my little brother. The very thing that made him the way he was, his disabilities given to him thanks to drinking during pregnancy Curse the evil stuff! It is pure evil and brings out the worse in us. In my brother it brought out schizophrenia and made him a dual personality. He got too drunk and confused and that’s what led to his death. Sadly, we did see this one coming, at least my father did. He warned Justin and his friends, and even I for years would have the thought, that I could not bare to lose my little brother. How cruelly ironic that it came to pass that my father was right.

This is one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to deal with. But God gives me strength and courage to go on, to live life fully and to be blessed. I will write and use my talents, speak and be a Godly man, kick my bad habits and change my life and change the lives of others who were like Justin, or who struggle with addictions, that kill people everyday, even if their death is not immediate, it is surely killing them. Hang onto your loved ones this year, be safe and drink responsibly and celebratory; not to just be drunk.

May you all be blessed in the new year, make wise choices and grow closer to those you love.

Merry Christmas and happy new year!

Justin – a Dream of Home

I had this dream this morning that Justin wasn’t dead. He was alive. In the dream I was aware that he had had his accident and had fallen and was gone … but then one day he showed up with dad, just like he used to when he used to live in b.c and I used to live back on the farm – cept the house wasn’t the farm it was like this little condo in a school – and there he was and the whole family was together and was happy he was back – I couldn’t believe it – it was like dad just had to go out and find him and bring him back – then something strange happened – Justin was shrinking, as the day went on and night neared he was getting smaller and  smaller – regressing back into a child. I was freaked out and frightened and then Justin comforted me, as  I frantically cried and threw my arms around him. He told me it’s okay and he’s used to it by now cause that is what the accident did to him. He hit his head in such a way that an injury caused his body to – shrink and that is why he wasn’t around for the last while – dad didn’t know how to tell us this, especially me – but yet then as I looked around I realized Wayne already knew – as he had gone with dad to pick up Justin.

Then I was extremely pissed and heartbroken and saddened for my little brother. I flew out of the farm house and up the field that sits in front of the house, chasing after the rest of the family that seemed to be going for a walk together – I was angery and going to snap on my father – who was at the head of the group, leading them up the field – I was a long way off and they were small in the distance, but my angered screaming alerted them as I ran I screamed and screamed – they all turned and saw me moving at a supernaturally fast past – what should have been 10 minuites of walking I sprinted in a few seconds – the family began to part as I screamed for my father – they knew and I knew I was going for him – they knew I’d be pissed once I found out – they knew I’d go for my father and – I was going to jump on him and beat him with my fists in rage and anger and scream at him – WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME….  then… I woke up…

And began to cry and still am crying cause though it was just a dream it was so real and it was so nice to see Justin again and for a bit – he was whole and normal and it was like – reality was just the bad dream I was waiting to wake up from – I was so happy there…. I was so happy to see him, his smile – and I am crying my ass off writing this – it was so real….

What really gets me is that even though its just a dream – I know its not – it was a spiritual dream loaded with symbolism from the heavenly Father, God. I know all too well what this dream should mean…

More or less I am angry with God and want to smash my fists on him and scream and cry WHY – WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TAKE MY LITTLE BROTHER! WHY DID’T YOU WARN ME THIS WOULD HAPPEN – THERE WAS NO WARNING –  no hint or clue – ONE NIGHT HE WAS HERE THEN THE NEXT HE’S FUCKING DEAD –  AND ITS NOT FAIR CAUSE HE WAS THE ONE PERSON IN THIS WORLD THAT I KNEW – THAT GOD KNEW I COULD NOT STAND TO LOSE – AND …. HE … is gone…

Life is cruel and hard and stupid and bullshit – and I am so angery and hurt and tired and broken and sick of losing the closest and best people I’ve had or loved in life…

I am so mad I am bawling my ass of and smashing walls – I am sick with a cold now, in great pain from very hurt ribs – my feet are come what crippled – my emotions are all over the place from not smoking pot – my stabilizer – my warm fuzzy blanket that keeps reality away – and I am not drunk or have not been drinking – I am broken, vulnerable and just raw and real…. I hate … I hate… I hate…

But am called to love? Called to save? Would you believe me if I told you there was a God? And in each of us he places a destiny – some greater, some smaller – and I – I AM TO BE ONE OF THE GREATS!  – if i choose to follow – and I don’t… I WANT TO RUN AWAY CAUSE IM SCARED  AND I DONT UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT ANY MORE IT ALL MAKES SENCE WHEN YOUR HAVING FUN AND PRAISING GOD AND THE SPIRIT IS THERE – YOU HAVE PURPOSE TO TEACH THE YOUNGERS ONES – THE BROKEN ONES WHAT IT MEANS TO BE STRONG IN FAITH – BUT THEN – BUT THEN BUT THEN YOU LOSE THE VERY ONES YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE AND PROTECT – AND IT SHOULDN’T EVEN BE THIER TIME -….

AND i screaming … why… always WHYYYYYYY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY THE STUPIDEST FUCKING WORD IN THIS GOD DAMNED FUCKING WORLD … IS WHY …. why…..

Right at this moment – I am sick of everything and literally sick. Why God? Why must you break me so badly? Why must you call me so hard? Why must you have me? Why…. I am just Ron – just a simple stupid kid.

I am weak and tired and sick and emotional and drained and getting tired of everything… my job and … everything… I don’t want any of it. I shouldn’t be working in this shape this condition – but i will – cause I have too – and its fucking funny too – cause im sick enough that i could spread it – touching meat all day at wendy’s – but I can hardly AFFORD TO LIVE AS IS MAKING MIN WAGE WORKING 4.5 HOURS A DAY FOUR DAYS A WEEK – WHAT A JOKE WHAT A FUCKING JOKE – WHAT A STUPID WASTE OF MY LIFE AND TIME AND BRAIN AND TALENT – I AM 25 AND GOING BACKWARDS – I AM REGRESSING  AND SHRINKING AND BECOMING LESS -…. like my brother was in that dream….. somehow… going backwards…. becoming smaller… becoming less…

I wish my family would walk together again – we USED TO HAVE SUCH A BIG FAMILY AND IT WAS WONDERUFL  for a time – we would all gather on the farm and then… one day it all stopped… No  more games like kick the can and cool adventures of hide and seek and family working together in the fields….

It all broke up – it all broke up… it all changed… and what was once the best and biggest family I ever saw EVER EVE R EVER EVER SAW – I LIVED WITH – and had the pleasure of knowing…

But people grow up, people change – people fight and families died – siblings die – parents die – everything breaks down and dies is this fucking stupid world …  everything is built to be broken … in time.

Is there any saving any of it? Or just … the memories? Just the memories of a time – when things were perfect and whole…. just a memory…

How do I … unite it all – put all the pieces back together …

Is this a sign that all hope is not lost? CAN I BE A SAVIOR TO PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH? A CONTACT FOR THEM TO GOD – SHALL I DO IT? Or… let all this pain tear me apart… all of it.. .all of it… ALL OF IT SINCE BIRTH!

I WANT TO SCREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM… and pound my fists against the Father in heaven… I want him to know – to know to know… how bad I hurt.

Now I feel like  I’m going to puke…

Mad world

I is listening to mad world by gary jules.

So… this is a topic i’ve wanted to rant on for a while now… you know what i hate? IS THE APPEARANCE OF THINGS. Nothing is what it seems. Especially in society. Society tells us imagine is everything. When its not. Its only the beginning. More often than not the image of a man represents very little. As our appearances are more often than not, very deceiving,

Seemingly georgeous people can be the most vain and cruel, shallow people with no depth – ass holes of life.

then the not so pretty, even ugly people of the world – have the most beautiful spirits in life – they are the ones worth knowing.

Even then… beauty has nothing to do with imagin…

yet a beautiful image can get someone anything… in life.

IF IS A FACT. BEAUTIFUL GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

and those who are not – are less likely to be noticed and have a harder time in life. In every aspect.

Right from the time we a born. People slot us into categories based on looks.

Those with looks get more friends, date more, have more sex, get the better jobs and go further in life

those without looks – get over looked and looked down and hated on and cheated in life – we want to surround ourselves with beautiful people.

Those with looks get away with more – they are less likely to be told what to do, or corrected, no one wants to look stupid in front of a beautiful girl or a hot guy. Even in the work place or school – they are treated more gently and kindly than the average or the ugly… the average and the ugly can become, easily, outcasts.

The average and ugly and even simply different are more often than not turned away, turned down. They are excluded and kept at bay, made fun of and misunderstood… judged harshly in life,.

and its all because of society and the mentality it feeds us…. that we are nothing unless we are beautiful.. outwardly… but beauty is more than a look or a style or clothes… its in our hearts, the way we think and talk. the way we treat people. that is where true beauty exists. IN CHARACTER… in the way we treat people… not the way we expect people to treat us, cause we think we’re good looking…

even i am guilty, and i know many who read this… are… guilty of being nicer to someone with looks than someone without, helping someone who is hot, than someone who is not… getting to know the prettier person faster than the not so good looking person…

and sometimes it just turns out to be a waste of time… the prettier the girl the guy / the more pride in their hearts – everythings been given to them and they think highly of themselves and expect everything… they become shallow and not worth knowing cause unless they get treated like gold – they treat people like shit.

Where the rest treat people like Gold hoping to get noticed and not treated like shit.

….

lots i COULD  say about this but this is just … the gist of a train of thought that really pisses me off… think about it… and to look a little deeper than just the way we look and dress… look at how people talk and  act, what they think about- that is the truth of a person…

Random thought time

Everything in the end comes down to Justin.

If I am having an awesome day – I think of God and Justin and think good thoughts. Like I’m doing it.

When I have a shitty day and everything sucks – I think of Justin and miss him greatly. Life hurts all the more.

I don’t know. Death,  a close family death – never ever could imagine what it would be like

always used to try and here it is. And I am like – on good days – its hard to think he’s actually gone. Like he never was.

Then on bad days – I hate the whole world and everyone in it – tell myself life is unfair and scream for Justin to come back.

But all the yelling in the world wont bring him back – neither will all the positive thoughts I have.

I can only change my life.

those around me

not his.

not anymore.

…………………

 

We walked to where Justin was found. Down from the tarzan swimming hole. The river has gone down lots in the past four months. There was just a tiny sand bar where his body washed up. Now its hude, like a small beach. I looked for the flowers that were placed there shortly after he was found. They were gone. I had a moment, heard Justin encourage me some. Told me I was doing it…. what ever it … is… living life i guess. Trying… i guess…

………….

 

I don’t know how to feel… what to feel… i mean i know how i feel always… I know I love. I know I have love., For her. Just the conflict of where to keep that love. How to show it. I cannot deny she is the closest thing I’ve had to a best friend in a long time…. and then the unusual circumstances of how we came together and now… all we’ve been through together – now living together but not together… yeah day in and day out im sad – and happy. sad we are not together- happy she is close by… sad that she doesn’t have more in life – happy she is trying her best – and proud of her too… but still… is it… am i… enough to keep her on her feet… or will she fall apart… and do as she pleases… and if she does… what can I honestly do in the end… cept watch her walk away,…

……

I really… want to say  i hate life… but i dont… its just really fucking tough…